Ah, celebrity boxing. The time-honored tradition of celebrities getting thousands in pay-per-view money for throwing weak punches at other influencers is, among many other things, still entertaining. From Supreme Patty versus John Gabbana to Jake Paul versus any aging pro athlete, viewers today can’t seem to get enough.

That’s why we think that it is high time that Penn State gets in on the action. We have compiled the ultimate fight card for a showdown to not only bring in paper view money of 20 dollars or four easy payments of five dollars but to settle some scores amongst some of Penn State’s most recognizable faces.

Without further ado, let’s start at the first fight of the evening.

Tommy Stevens vs. Will Levis

To start off, we have the battle of the backups: Tommy Time versus Will “The Thrill” Levis. It seems only fitting that the first fight should answer the question of who is the bigger face of the Lion Formation. Levis may have the size advantage, but Stevens’ quickness should make this an interesting scrap for the three-round fight.

Bill O’Brien vs. Mike Yurcich

Since Big Bill made his return to college football as the offensive coordinator of the Crimson Tide, fans everywhere have been hoping this match would come about: Pro-style versus the spread offense and single back formation versus shotgun. The winner gets the offensive coordinator job and the glory of victory.

Lion Shrine vs. JoePa Statue

Now, we may need to recruit some engineers to figure out how to make this one work. With Penn State having the great engineering program it does, it feels safe to schedule this five-round fight in the middle of the card now.

Two all-time symbols of Penn State aim to prove that there is only room for one statue on this campus. The Lion Shrine has taken its fair share of injuries throughout its career, see right ear crack but has always found a way to come back stronger. The JoePa statue has been removed from the sport for a while now but is eager to prove who really runs this town. Bronze vs. stone, who do you got?

Ty Burrell vs. Keegan-Michael Key

Two critically acclaimed actors. Two Emmys won. One big beef to settle. This one’s to determine who’s the greatest Penn State actor of all time. This co-main event of the evening features two of the most beloved Penn Staters of all time. As much as we’d hate to see them get punched, it has to happen. Both have 10 rounds to determine whether “Key & Peele” or “Modern Family” is the better show of a generation.

MAIN EVENT: Eric Barron vs. The Willard Preacher

Main event. Ten rounds. Need I say more? This battle of the old heads is sure to drive the pay-per-view numbers. Just the thought of Mic Man yelling, “Are you ready for the main event of the evening?!” is already giving us chills. Barron has the bigger frame and looks like he knows how to throw a mean right hook, but the Preacher has the Lord on his side. Fighting out of the red corner, the Preacher is determined to show why he has been at Penn State longer than Barron. Ole Barry has one last scrap in him before his retirement and will be looking to go out a champion. Something’s gotta give.

The fights will be scored by a three-judge panel consisting of Cael Sanderson, Saquon Barkley, and Micah Shrewsberry. The referee for the evening is someone who does not put up with any funny business in the ring or in the former Chick-fil-A line: the HUB’s beloved gatekeeper, Bill Donovan.

We are still waiting to hear back from the BJC about a date, so for right now, it’s TBD. Tickets will be sold through Ticketmaster via the Penn State Athletics app to ensure no-hassle entry.

The stage is set. Let’s fight!