Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools’ Day series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.

We Are…never going to require the COVID-19 vaccine.

Penn State President Eric Barron is reportedly canceling his plans to retire after learning his successor, Neeli Bendapudi, plans to require COVID-19 vaccines for students and employees once she takes office.

“Once I heard that Tom Brady was canceling his NFL retirement, I realized that I could do it, too,” Barron told Onward State. “That’s why people call us ‘the G.O.A.T.'”

Onward State staffers overheard Barron and Bendapudi arguing about the president-elect’s plans at Gaffeoke last Wednesday. We initially knew something was up when Bendapudi took the stage and sang “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gees while staring directly into Barron’s eyes. In response, Barron hopped on the mic for a rendition of “Live Your Life” by T.I. and Rihanna.

After one too many Gaff pitchers, Barron said, “There’s only room for one of us in this town, Nervous Neeli.”

While Barron finalizes his future plans, Bendapudi was seen reposting an old passive-aggressive Donald Trump Facebook post about the presidential election. It was quickly deleted, but it looked a lot like this.

Interestingly, Bendapudi did not require the COVID-19 vaccine for students or employees during her time at the University of Louisville. However, she says skirting around requirements — especially through the use of raffles and other incentives for vaccinated students and employees — was part of the long con.

“I finessed the system,” Bendapudi told Onward State. “I knew I wanted to end up in Happy Valley and require Penn Staters to get the jab, but I would’ve been filtered out in the hiring process if they knew my real intentions.”

In the coming weeks, we’ll see if Barron can reverse his retirement and stand up yet again for the anti-vaxxers freedom.