Sources: The Outback Bowl Is Dead, And It’s Penn State’s Fault
Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools’ Day series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.
The Outback Bowl is dead, and it’s Penn State football’s fault.
The bowl game, which previously retained Outback Steakhouse as a sponsor for 26 years, is now officially called the Tampa Bay Bowl. The postseason game didn’t give a reason for its name change, but we at Onward State have dug deep and found out what’s really going on.
Sources close to the Tampa Bay Bowl Association indicate the Nittany Lions’ uninspiring performance on New Year’s Day embarrassed Outback Steakhouse and shattered its relationship with the bowl beyond repair.
“I mean, half of Penn State’s entire defense opted out of the game,” an Outback Steakhouse marketing official told Onward State. “Some dudes I’ve never heard of before were getting trampled by KJ Jefferson. We made money off the game and everything, but it just didn’t feel right.”
Jefferson, Arkansas’ quarterback, rushed for 110 yards in the Razorbacks’ 24-10 victory. His rushing total ranked higher than any Penn State running back mustered in any individual game all season long.
On top of star Nittany Lions skipping the game to prepare for the NFL Draft, sources also suggested that Penn State’s fake punt trick play toward the end of the first half was a breaking point for Outback Steakhouse.
“We were joking in the office that James Franklin must’ve still been tipsy from New Year’s Eve the night before,” the Outback source said.
John, a bartender whose last name we didn’t get and has also worked at every single Outback Bowl, said that while he’s sad to lose out on Blooming Onions, he understands Outback’s decision, especially considering Penn State failed to score in the final two frames of the game.
Penn State Athletics officially declined a request for comment, but sources within the department told Onward State that the Nittany Lions secretly find Outback’s move amusing.
“James [Franklin] didn’t even really care about winning that much,” the source said. “They just needed to cash that check and get out of there. Even Sean Clifford kind of just gave up halfway through the fourth quarter and went to the locker room, so draw your own conclusions there.”
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“That broken ear is a permanent reminder of the dark side of Penn State University, the lives lost, and a warning. A warning that the deaths will continue unless massive change is enacted.”
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