Power Ranking Bald Penn State Figures

James Franklin’s football team is 8-2 and Micah Shrewsberry’s men’s basketball squad is 3-0 to start the season. Walk into one of your classes, and the professor might have no hair. If you weren’t already aware, Penn State is getting carried by its bald men.

We’ve generated a list of our favorite hairless gentlemen on or around Penn State to celebrate.

10. The Nittany Lion As Pitbull

Frankly, this barely makes the list. However, for a brief time, the Symbol of Our Best was bald. Ignore that most of the Nittany Lion’s cranium is still covered by fur. For a small time, he was Mr. Worldwide, and that’s what matters.

9. George Atherton

Atherton is one of those guys who was ~technically~ bald but still has some hair on his head. Think of your grandfather who says “I’m not bald, look at this hair,” but we all know the truth.

Courtesy of the College of Agricultural Sciences

Atherton should’ve just bitten the bullet and shaved it all off, quite honestly.

8. Andy Wiesner

If you haven’t had the chance to take Wiesner’s STAT100 class to knock out some math credits, you absolutely should. Despite all the talk about means, medians, and modes, Wiesner makes the class enjoyable.

Andrew Wiesner | Eberly College of Science
Courtest of the Eberly College of Sciences

Like Atherton, Wiesner isn’t completely bald, but he’s not trying to act like a hairy man. Quite frankly, the fade that starts at his scalp and goes backward is all part of the vibe.

7. Keegan-Michael Key

The former “Key & Peele” star, a 1996 Penn State graduate, does quite possibly the best James Franklin impersonation we’ve ever seen.

It would be criminal to leave him off this list, honestly.

6. Walter Middlebrook

If you’re unfamiliar with Walter Middlebrook, he is a communications professor, and I may or may not be writing this while in his class.

Courtesy of Underscore News

That brain roof glows like very few others. Lights reflect off the back of his head like a disco ball. Years in and around Detriot’s newsrooms must have taught him how to polish his thinker. Honestly, it’s pretty impeccable.

5. Jadrian Wooten

That’s right — YikYak’s favorite professor has made the list. I’ve never taken Wooten’s ECON102 class, but I’m a big fan of the look. Some quick image searches make him seem like a great guy who, despite his young age, has embraced his life without those short, stubby fibers atop his head. A clean look with some glow puts him in a solid spot on this list.

Courtesy of Jadrian Wooten

4. Cael Sanderson

While Sanderson may be more successful than the next picks on this list, his marble doesn’t quite have the sheen required to top this list. To his credit, it seems that Sanderson tries to maintain a clean look on top of that naked noggin, but it’s just missing that final ~pizzazz.~

3. Micah Shrewsberry

While the Penn State men’s basketball coach is only in his second year with the program, he’s already established himself as one of campus’ most prominent baldies. I mean, that head is like if you rubbed lubricant on one of his basketballs.

He also benefits massively from the fact that his head is rounder than most, making it actually shaped like a basketball. It must make him a better coach, too, based on the team’s hot start to the season.

2. Jeff Kampersal

Objectively, women’s hockey coach Jeff Kampersal has the best bald head at Penn State. It’s God’s cleanest coconut. Look at this picture of the man. It’s wild. He’s so bald that it’s amazing. I’m honestly stunned.

Courtesy of PennLive

1. James Franklin

Whether or not you like him as a coach, Franklin has one of the shiniest domes I have seen in my 19 years on this planet. There’s nothing I want more than to rub some whipped cream on that perfectly round, glowing, hairless head.

I’m not kidding when I say it takes some restraining not to try and palm that thing when he greets Nittanyville folks ahead of home football games. Critique his game plan against Michigan all you like, but don’t talk smack about that slappable sheen.

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About the Author

Joe Lister

Joe is a junior journalism major at Penn State and Onward State's managing editor. He covers Penn State football, among other Penn State sports. He also listens to Mac Miller more than you. If you want to find him, Joe's usually watching soccer with his shirt off or at the gym with his shirt on. For dumb stuff, follow him on Twitter (iamjoelister). For serious stuff, email him ([email protected]).

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