ChatGPT Locates The Joe Paterno Statue

We did it, Joe.

After a decade of wondering what happened to the Joe Paterno statue, we finally have answers. Its discovery wasn’t made by a diehard Penn State fan or private investigator, but instead by a savvy artificial intelligence tool: ChatGPT.

ChatGPT is a chatbot that’s blown up in the past year for its capability to output a response to, well, virtually anything. All you have to do is type a question or message and it’ll give a computer-generated response based on Wikipedia pages, scientific articles, and sources across the Internet.

It got us thinking…if it’s so smart, it’s got to have an inkling of the whereabouts of the Joe Paterno statue, right? An answer, indeed.

Coordinates? Really?

We were too stunned to speak. Every thought possible circulated in our minds. Do we sell the coordinates to a rich alumni? Do we write a breaking news story? Do we hold on to this information forever and close out of the program as if it never happened?

We did what every Penn Stater does in times of distress. We pounded seven beers at A’s Pub and set out on an adventure.

We thought we’ve explored every square inch of downtown State College, but turns out there’s an unnamed alley that people don’t know about. It appears to sit on a homeowner’s property, but it could be argued that it looks borderline abandoned.

What the hell is this place?

It was a tiny windowless shed, otherwise known as the perfect place to store a historic statue. Made of cinder blocks, a metal detector wouldn’t give away jack shit about what’s inside.

Nobody knows what ChatGPT’s source is, but sometimes a little mystery is exactly what society needs. All that matters is that we can finally be at peace.

The Joe Paterno statue was removed at 7:40 a.m. on July 22, 2012, and the Penn State community has never been the same. For years, rumors have circulated regarding its whereabouts — in Sue Paterno’s garage, in the meat lab, and even melted down in the letters of the Rodney A. Erickson Food Science Building. Penn State fans have searched near and far for its location, and finally, the search has come to an end that nobody ever expected.

All along, it’s been right in our backyard, within walking distance of Penn State’s campus. ChatGPT healed a wound that’s been marinating for over 10 years.

Artificial intelligence is the way, Penn State. Invest while you still can.

Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools’ Day series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.

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About the Author

Colleen Nersten

Colleen is a washed-up biology grad and former associate editor. Her legacy will live on through stories like “10 Questions With State College Sensation ‘Hot UPS Bae’”. If you’re a STEM girlie, this is your sign to take the leap of faith and learn to write. It’s pretty fun. Colleen misses the hate mail and can be reached at [email protected] or via LinkedIn.

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