With opening day at Beaver Stadium just around the corner, it’s time to review a classic: The Penn State Football Gameday Commandments.

These eight lessons were etched in stone with blue-and-white flare as my first-ever post for the blog.

Since I’m now just a washed-up senior approaching graduation day, it only makes sense to revisit this artifact. This time, I’m turning it up a notch with a 21st-century twist: Artificial Intelligence.

As many of us are quickly finding out, AI is changing the name of the game and cranking out content much faster than your average writer. But quantity does not equal quality, which led me to today’s challenge.

When it comes to gameday, who can describe it best? An Onward State writer carefully crafting their first-ever post or AI generating content in mere seconds? Throwing each of my newbie heart’s lessons into ChatGPT, it’s time for the ultimate showdown to see who describes it best. Here are the Penn State Football Gameday Commandments: OS Writer vs. AI Bot.

1. OS: “Drip Out In Swag” vs. AI: “Elevate Your Style With Swagger”

Starting off with the first commandment, this rewrite is just not as catchy in my humble opinion. While I may be a bit biased toward a desperate Onward State contributor dreaming of being a staff writer, this interpretation just doesn’t hit the ear correctly in comparison. 

Less is more, AI. While this original line may have been an editor’s note, I can’t help but acknowledge that the word “swagger” should be left in 2014.

OS Writer: 1, AI Bot: 0

2. OS: “Study Like You’re Headed To The Pollock Testing Center” vs. AI: “Prepare As If You’re Headed To the Pollock Testing Center”

For something with so much hype in 2023, I would’ve definitely expected a bit more here. This one lacks heart and definitely imagination.

Does AI know the threatening, debilitating nature of the Pollock Testing Center? Has it sweated its way through a sea of students on the way to a dreaded Accounting 211 exam, all the while knowing it would need the combined, tri-wizard powers of God, President Neeli Bendapudi, and Pearson Publishing to earn a passing grade?

This one is truly a human experience, folks. 

OS Writer: 2, AI Bot: 0.

3. OS: “Raise The Song. No, Seriously” vs. AI: “Lift Up The Anthem. No Jokes.”

No jokes? This post is only jokes. Back in 2021, I remember thinking I was quite the clever cricket on this one. Like all good Penn Staters, when I hear those opening notes and yell out “LEFT,” I know it’s time to sing it with my chest. 

Apparently, AI isn’t familiar with singing the Penn State Alma Mater or reading my undeniable, intellectual wit within the tomfoolery category. In my opinion, missing out on both of these experiences is an L, equal in loss. Double whammy.

OS Writer: 3, AI Bot: 0.

4. OS: “Stick to Your Limit Like 35 mph On College Ave.” vs. AI: “Adhere To Your Boundaries, Similar To 35 mph On College Ave.”

When trying to charmingly convince tailgaters to be safe on gameday, I affectionately compared one’s limit to the notoriously ignored speed limit of our beloved College Ave. A token of encouragement to seize the day, this bit of genuine advice rings true like Old Main on gameday and beyond.

Lacking the legs and spirit to enjoy a stroll downtown, AI didn’t catch the vibe on this one. The language here drains the fun from the concept and, once again, we see less is more.

OS Writer: 4, AI Bot: 0.

5. OS: “Plan Like A Penn State Dad At The Airport” vs. AI: “Prepare with the Precision Of A Penn State Dad Gearing Up For A Tailgate, But This Time It’s At The Airport.”

Referencing the beloved Penn State dad, I advised our students to remember a bittersweet childhood memory for the better side of what it’s worth. As everyone knows, Penn State dads are a different breed at the airport, and “ready to rock ‘n roll” as they might ask you for the 40th time on a trip.

I have my own question. AI, what are we doing here? We’ve just reached halftime in this exercise, and you’ve got no points on the board. I can appreciate the alliteration above, but you’re still losing major points for wordiness. It’s safe to assume AI is a second-half team.

OS Writer: 5, AI Bot: 0.

6. OS: “Gather The Groupchat For A Successful Entrance” vs. AI: “Rally The Crew On The Chat To Ensure A Triumphant Arrival”

Writing this bit while on campus for the first time, I remember thinking it was an obvious note that still had to be said. Speaking from experience, utilizing the Gate A big rock as the meeting spot is the best way to ensure all your friends make it into the game.

While I can admit that herding college students is no easy feat, I’m not necessarily convinced it warrants the use of the term “triumphant” in this instance. However, I can appreciate the robust creativity from AI at this point, so I’m willing to go halfsies on this one. Who doesn’t love a good comeback?

OS Writer: 5.5, AI Bot: .5.

7. OS: “Cradle Your Phone Like Your Saquon Barkley Running For the Endzone” vs. AI: “Hold Onto Your Phone Like Saquon Barkley Charging Towards The End Zone, Cradling It With All Your Might.”

These are getting longggg now. Clearly, AI does not understand that the mere reference to Barkley is enough to convey the level of strength one must use to hold onto an iPhone in the student section.

Keeping myself honest here, I can appreciate the use of the word “charging.” Considering the double meaning of both charging down the field and plugging in one’s phone, I’ll have to give this point to the bot. Yes, I’m going to take it personally.

OS Writer: 5.5, AI Bot: 1.5.

8. OS: “Chicken Baskets Are Required” vs. AI: “Chicken Baskets Are Necessary”

There are only so many ways to say this one, people.

However, I’m stealing the point because a greasy basket of delectable strips and fries is a requirement, not a suggestion.

OS Writer: 6.5, AI Bot: 1.5

Final Standings — OS Writer: 6.5, AI Bot: 1.5

A win is a win, folks. While AI put up a good fight in record time, it’s still missing the nuances of college students passionate about a gameday. This must have been how Sean Clifford felt after the 2023 Rose Bowl. Ring that bell, and ring it now.