10 Questions With The Beaver Stadium Squirrel

On Saturday evening, while Penn State was taking on the Mountaineers of West Virginia, a surprise visitor stormed the field. In the first half of the game, the little fuzzy guy got on all fours and pounced onto the field at Beaver Stadium.

He seemed to appear out of nowhere and rose to almost immediate fame. After running for 35 yards and scoring a touchdown, the squirrel was chased off the field as the game resumed. Where did the little fella go? How did he even get into Beaver Stadium?

Onward State has tracked down the little fur ball and landed an exclusive, one-on-one interview with the squirrel of Beaver Stadium. His name is Paul Bonaparte, and this is his story.

Onward State: How did you sneak into Beaver Stadium?

Paul Bonaparte: I find it quite interesting you are using the word “sneak” to describe my entrance into Beaver Stadium. In my mind, I was always supposed to be there. It was my destiny to be there, on that field, with my teammates. You can’t sneak into somewhere you’re meant to be. If you’re really asking, I technically got into the stadium through Gate B.

OS: When you say “teammates,” who are you referring to? Were there other squirrels in Beaver Stadium on Saturday night?

PB: No, there weren’t other squirrels there. I’m referring to guys like Theo Johnson, Kalen King, Fatman, Abdul Carter, and Olu Fashanu. My teammates.

None of the other local, campus squirrels were in attendance on Saturday. They never believed in me. They never believed a little eastern gray squirrel could score a touchdown in Beaver Stadium. All they ever did was laugh in my face. Who’s laughing now, huh? Mama, we made it! Your son is on his way to the league!

OS: What inspired your passion for football?

PB: Well, I’m sure you have heard of my father, Twiggy Bonaparte. He was a world-famous water-skiing squirrel. Since I was a little boy, he always instilled in me that I could do whatever I wanted to do and be whoever I wanted to be, as long as I worked hard.

One night, about three years ago when I was a young squirrel, my family was scavenging for dinner outside of the Quaker Steak & Lube on Benner Pike. I caught a glimpse of something immaculate on one of the screens inside The Lube. It appeared to be humans throwing around a massive nut on TV.

Instantly, I was hooked. Eventually, I found out that it was not an abnormally large nut but rather a football. Nonetheless, I was still hooked. I knew that this was what I was meant to do and what I was born to be. I knew that I wanted to play football.

OS: Have you always been a Nittany Lion fan?

PB: Yes and no. I grew up in the woods near the Arboretum. My grandfather, before he got hit by an OPP truck, used to tell me horrible stories about how lions used to devour members of our family. As the Halal Cart is to students, we used to be to lions! Just a snack! Imagine finding out that generations ago about half of your family members were likely to be consumed. Eaten. Nom nom. Why would a college make their mascot a squirrel murderer? The Nittany Lions? More like The Nittany Squirrel-Killers.

Luckily for my own well-being and survival, real Nittany Lions no longer exist in the area. Praise God. Nowadays, a Nittany Lion is just any person who pays thousands of human dollars and screams “We Are!” Considering these new Nittany Lions no longer pose a threat to my family and me, I would say that I am a fan. I live on Penn State’s campus. What am I going to be? A Rutgers fan? Long story short, yes, I am a big Penn State fan. As a matter of fact, I consider myself to be a Nittany Lion, a squirrel, and a semi-amateur Soundcloud rapper.

OS: What was going through your squirrel brain while you were running around on the field this past weekend?

PB: If I’m being honest, the grounds crew at Beaver Stadium isn’t going to like this, but this wasn’t my first time running around on the field. I really don’t ever have much trouble getting into Beaver Stadium on a regular basis. However, this was my first time there while a game was going on. This, of course, was not by accident.

Ever since that night at Quaker Steak & Lube, I’ve always dreamed of scoring a touchdown in Beaver Stadium for my home team, the Nittany Lions. The experience, though, was like nothing I could have ever imagined. It was so loud, so bright. The energy was coursing through my veins! I felt amazing! Some dweeb tried to catch me, but he didn’t stand a chance. I tapped into a squirrel power that I had never tapped into before. I was unstoppable. I was determined to reach that endzone. Yeah, it was pretty cool.

OS: After scoring, it appears that you remained in the stadium for a significant amount of time. Why is that?

PB: First of all, I wasn’t just going to abandon my teammates. Obviously, a lot of people wanted me gone, but I knew I needed to be there for my brothers. Also, I bet the spread, so I wanted to make sure we were going to cover.

OS: Do you have any NIL deals in the works?

PB: Too many to count. After my performance on Saturday, the deals started flowing in. I’m the newest spokesperson for Temu, Skrewball Peanut Butter Whiskey, and Acorns (the investing app). I just signed on with Inch & Co. so my new Tesla should be here next week.

Also, we’re still working out the logistics, but in the coming months, you will be able to get the Bonaparte Burrito from Chipotle, which will include an ingredient that they have never carried before: pine nuts.

OS: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

PB: Well, unfortunately, the life expectancy for little guys like me is about six to 12 years. Considering I am currently five, I expect to be dead in the next 10 years. It was kind of insensitive for you to even ask me that. If you had done your research, like a real reporter, you would’ve known that.

OS: Apologies.

PB: Not accepted, asshole.

OS: Do you think Drew Allar deserved to win Big Ten Offensive Player of the Week?

PB: Absolutely not. Did Drew Allar score a touchdown without even holding the ball? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Did he get the crowd going? Not as much as me. Look, he’s a good kid, but he has a lot to learn. I know it, Franklin knows it, and Mike Yurcich knows it. We all know it. That kid couldn’t climb a tree like me if his life depended on it.

Nonetheless, Drew is my teammate so I’m proud of his accomplishment. 

OS: Per Onward State tradition, if you could be any dinosaur which would you be and why?

PB: I have absolutely no idea what a dinosaur is. I am a squirrel who plays football. My days are spent eating nuts and terrorizing students on campus, while every night is spent training. I don’t have time to be learning new things. This interview is over.

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About the Author

Rico Gore

Rico is a senior advertising major from Pittsburgh who has been with Onward State since just a couple weeks into his freshman year. He loves to drink Diet Coke and eat Mexican food. You can follow Rico on Instagram @RealBigRico and TikTok @RealBigRico.

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