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Your Best ‘Why I Got Kicked Out Of A State College Bar’ Stories: Part Two

State College has a lively bar scene, and Penn Staters are no strangers to indulging in some alcohol-induced fun. To highlight some of the most wildly hilarious drunken stories Happy Valley has to offer, we asked you to share your best kicked-out-of-a-bar stories.

Last week’s installment featured a pitcher of puke, crazy costumes, and multiple birthday suits. This week’s set of stories is just as jam-packed with craziness.

Here are a few more of our favorite responses that Penn Staters sent in.

Josh — Mad Mex

Josh, who graduated in 2005, felt like trying on a new identity when he and his friends stopped by Mad Mex before closing one night. Upon entering the bar, Josh decided to exclusively use a Scottish accent despite not being Scottish (or capable of a good fake accent).

Naturally, the bartender wasn’t a fan of Josh’s antics and tried to cut him off, which pissed Josh off. In his petition to not be refused drinks, Josh knocked over a barstool and could only watch as a domino effect took over and a series of stools cascaded to the floor.

“[The bartender] told me to get out and I yelled, ‘freedom’ like some drunken William Wallace,” Josh recalled.

Angela  — Zeno’s

Angela, an alum from the Class of 2001, had a simple but serious story from an incident in Zeno’s.

“Threw a drink in a guy’s face. He knows why,” Angela said.

So ominous! I guess whatever went down is better left unsaid.

Nate  — The Gaff

Nate was enjoying a pitcher at the Gaff after a long day of drinking, and it was a pleasantly slow night. With plenty of alcohol in his system, Nate fumbled while retrieving his phone from his pocket, and it fell to the bar floor. Nate could feel the escort out of the bar before it even happened, and his suspicions were confirmed when he looked up and made direct eye contact with the bouncer.

“I nodded my head in understanding as we both laughed and gave him the easiest customer exit he had that night,” Nate said. “Possibly ever.”

Complacency is a rarity in these stories, folks — good for Nate.

Anonymous — Pickles

This anonymous submitter, an alum from the Class of 2011, had to endure some serious second-hand embarrassment at the fault of the friends of their friend’s parents. One of the friends, who worked as the head of hospitality for a large chain of high-end restaurants in a large city nearby, had a few too many drinks and must’ve forgotten she wasn’t at work.

“She proceeded to berate the staff for everything from carrying glasses stacked too high to using glassware to scoop ice,” Anonymous said. “I don’t think they appreciated the unsolicited advice.”

Anonymous didn’t expand on the outcome of this encounter, but we can assume the visiting friend got the boot for her bad manners.

Bill — The Phyrst

Bill, a 2011 grad, went out to the Phyrst for his friend’s 21st birthday. The birthday boy invited his hometown girlfriend to the celebration who claimed to have the “best fake ID ever,” but Bill wasn’t so sure.

“As the sole 21-year-old student there, I felt obligated to inform her that they actually scan driver’s licenses in State College and that it probably wouldn’t work,” Bill said.

Despite his warning, the girlfriend was determined to get into the Phyrst, and Bill hung back to watch the spectacle unfold. While she didn’t get kicked out, per se, she did get turned away at the door. Lucky for her, the bouncers were kind enough to pretend not to understand why the ID wasn’t working and returned it to her.

Kate — Pickle’s

Kate found herself entranced by the movie playing on the big screen at Pickles, “The Empire Strikes Back.” The rest of Kate’s friends, however, were nowhere to be found, leaving Kate to gawk up at the TV, completely engrossed in Han Solo getting frozen in carbonite. Apparently, appreciating a classic piece of film was considered suspicious by the bouncers at Pickles’ standards, and Kate was kicked to the curb.

Elliot — Champs

All in good fun, Elliot attempted to connect to the Champs TVs for three straight hours. Every time he tried to connect from his phone, a big notification would pop up on the screen saying something along the lines of: “Elliot is trying to connect.” This would then force the Champs employees to block his device from every single TV as the messages popped up.

“I would change my IP address so they could never truly block me,” Elliot said. “The bouncers ended up checking every dude’s ID at the bar and found me.”

Once he was busted, Elliot was led to the door and banned for life from Champs. The world may never know what Elliot wanted to broadcast on those TVs.

Connor — Local Whiskey

Connor, an alum from the Class of 2016, and his friends decided to visit Happy Valley for a getaway weekend and found themselves at Local Whiskey on their last night. It was late, so they enjoyed a few drinks before closing out as Connor ran to the bathroom. Upon finding the bathroom, Connor realized it was locked, and he would have to wait.

After contemplating and ultimately deciding against going in the ladies’ room, Connor deferred to the absolute last resort.

“I decide to unzip my pants, lean against the wall, and let it rip. No one is around so I think I’m in the clear,” Connor said. “Just as I finish, a worker comes around the corner, sees me zipping up my pants, and sees the puddle on the floor.”

The worker immediately kicked Connor out and informed him he would be blacklisted from both Local Whiskey and the Phyrst. A few months later, though, Connor returned to the bar during a football weekend and was let in without issue.

“Moral of the story: piss your pants or just suck it up and go in the ladies’ room rather than risking getting banned from your favorite bar on Earth,” Connor said.

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About the Author

Megan Dougherty

Megan Dougherty is a senior majoring in English and an associate editor at Onward State. She loves making music, consuming the maximum daily amount of coffee recommended by the FDA, and overanalyzing Taylor Swift lyrics. Feel free to follow her on Instagram @meganedougherty and forward any (free) The Eras Tour tickets to her email, [email protected]

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