Where can a guy get a glass of milk around here?

Over a year ago, I was given the unfortunate nickname “Milk” by my fellow Onward State staffers. The name originated from an autocorrect incident of my real name, Mikey.

As my time in Onward State comes to a close, I figured it would be an appropriate send-off to live up to my newfound nickname and ask every bar in State College for a glass of milk.

In each bar I went to, for the sake of fairness, I asked the same exact question:

“Can I please have a glass of milk?”

Here are their responses to my question, word for word:

Antifragile Brewery

“No, I’m sorry, we don’t have that.”

This dude was super chill and respectful about it. I could tell he sensed a bit of humor behind my request and responded with a joke and a smile after he informed me they didn’t have any. Didn’t really think they’d have milk at a place like this, but it was worth a try.

A’s Pub

“Oh yeah, we have that. Just go back to aisle one and buy a cup.”

I’m not sure what the verdict on this one is. They have it, but not at the pub portion. You have to acquire it yourself. Not sure if it counts, but at least you can take it to-go. Milk was good. Nice, whole flavor. Locally sourced. Kind of tastes like Mac and cheese? Cost: $1.79

Bill Pickle’s Tap Room

*shakes head no*

No words were even spoken. The disappointment in the room was palpable. Pickle’s is my favorite bar in town, and to get rejected like this broke my heart. I felt good about this, too. With all the barbecue food, I thought I’d get my calcium craving satisfied. At the very least, I thought maybe the shared facilities with the Corner Room would help. Bummer.

The Brewery

“Nope…just have cream.”

No, I don’t want cream. It’s unbelievably quiet in here. There isn’t even music playing. My milk request rang out like the first shots of the Revolutionary War at Lexington and Concord. Haven’t felt embarrassed to ask for my favorite dairy beverage until right now. Had to order a Yuengling to hide my shame.

Brothers

“Uh…yeah, sure.”

Let’s. Go. I had a good feeling about this one, and it paid off. There was slight judgment from my waitress, but it’s okay. We’ll allow it. They got me milk. The whole milk cost me $2.25 for an extremely large portion. What a deal. Thank you, Brothers, you exceeded expectations.

Buffalo Wild Wings

“Ummm…white milk? I don’t know if we even have that.”

The waitress seemed very confused. If I were a betting man, I’d guess they have milk somewhere back there.

Cafe 210 West

“I’ll have to see about that. A lot of the stuff we usually have, we lost with the power outage.”

This one stings. They (usually) HAVE milk, but weren’t able to ultimately deliver thanks to a blunder by Mother Nature. I almost want to come back later and try again. Cafe’s failure to deliver milk wasn’t even their fault. Heartbreaking scenes from College Avenue.

Champs Downtown

“Milk? We have half-and-half?”

Props to them for trying to problem-solve. No milk, but the crew at Champs was trying their best to satisfy our calcium craving. Maybe one day.

Chumley’s

“Umm…we have cream? But not…milk, per se.”

I like the effort to offer a replacement, but sadly, a glass of cream would be terrible for my taste buds and my body. I’m upset, but not surprised.

Doggie’s Pub

“I don’t even know what that is.”

      Me: “Just like… milk”

“Oh, not a cocktail? We don’t have that”

This guy was absolutely flabbergasted. He had no idea what I was asking for. Guess not many people order milk here.

Lion’s Den

“Uhhhh….      No”.

I get it, but you could’ve been nicer about it. I’m just trying to keep my bones strong here. Please respect my attempt at calcium gains.

Local Whiskey/Central Reservation

“Uhh…just milk? We have half and half, cream, and small coffee creamers. If you want, I can go into the kitchen and see if I can find some.”

After a conversation with the chef, our bartender discovered that they usually do carry whole milk, and he was prepared to get me some, but due to the power outage last week, they haven’t been able to restock yet. Credit to the staff, this was the hardest anyone in town worked to get me milk. What an effort, but ultimately, no milk.

The Phyrst

“No.”

Wow. Very direct. The bartender had a sympathetic look on their face, though. After some light banter, I could tell they were sympathetic to my cause. Alas, still no milk.

Primanti Bro’s

“Milk? Wait…I might actually have that. Hold on…I do!”

I can’t believe it. Busiest night of the week, and they actually had milk. The bartender said she’d never even been asked for milk before. Unbelievable service, kudos to the staff for getting me milk when it’s so busy. Medium quality product, akin to what you’d get in a McDonald’s Happy Meal or at Chick-fil-A. Cost: $1.99

Shandygaff

“No”

This bartender just shook her head and said the word no. At least she was direct. I could tell in her eyes, she felt bad. She wished she could fulfill my request, but alas, the Gaff does not half milk.

Sharkie’s

*looks confused, shakes her head no* “You’re a milk drinker?”

Very judgmental. Of course, I’m a milk drinker! Why did you have to be rude about it? I guess I’ll just take some water. 

Stage West

“Sure” *gets us a Miller Lite*

      Me: “Wait, I want to make sure you heard me. I asked for a milk.”

“Oh…yeah, we don’t have that.”

Tough to hear in there, but easily the funniest interaction I’ve had so far. Our bartender was cracking up when she realized what I said. Wish they had milk. 

Zeno’s

“We don’t have milk here.”

Direct and to the point. Of course, I’m the idiot for even thinking this place has milk. What am I, a fool?