Folks, we can speak for everybody when we say that we are on the edge of our seats waiting for a new head football coach. While we sit eagerly, checking all social media, we’ve compiled a list of things that will definitely occur in less time than hiring Penn State Football’s new head coach.

A Government Shutdown

Believe it or not, it is definite that a government shutdown is bound to happen before a new football head coach is hired at Penn State. Yep, we’re talking about nothing occurring further in the White House. This might come as a shock, but looking back on the past month and a half, we have been proven correct. Literally.

An Ice Age

Yes, another crazy pull. Yet, think about it. With the seconds turning into minutes, minutes turning into hours, hours turning into days, you get what we’re saying, it isn’t a far reach. Penn State will be receiving its new head coach after we watch the ice melt off of Beaver Stadium.

Susan Welch Crashing Down

Unfortunately, with the past Susan Welch-related events, it wouldn’t come as a surprise if the Susan Welch building were to crumble. While we tend to be moving faster with the fixing of the popular building, we are not moving faster with the decision of who will be leading Penn State football to success. It’s anyone’s court at this point.

COVID-26 Outbreak

There is no intention of manifesting another pandemic, but what we can assume is that if the Coronavirus pandemic that hit in 2020 were to make another appearance in 2026, it would both come and go before Penn State football has a new coach.

The Great Alien Abduction

This is random, we know, but we know one thing is for sure: the Penn State football head coach is bound to be safe in an alien abduction, because we still won’t have one.

Mount Vesuvius Erupting

We are quite literally bound to have the volcano that destroyed Pompeii erupt again than to have a new head football coach by the new year. That, folks, is how you know we are behind.

Cowboys Win A Playoff Game

No comment.

Willard Preacher Retires

This has got to be a wake-up call because if you know the history behind the Willard Preacher, you know he’s been at Penn State for decades. The day the Willard Preacher retires, he will get to say the last head coach of Penn State football that he was present for was James Franklin, “back in the day,” or whatever. Are we cooked?

The Nittany Lion Identity Is Revealed

This would be insane! But there is no wa- wait. Actually, this already happened. Can you believe it? The Nittany Lions’ true identity was revealed, and there wasn’t even a new head coach present for it. Well, shucks, maybe in four years this won’t happen again…or will it?