If you haven’t heard, the Syracuse football team is getting a new player next season, in the form of platinum-selling artist Toosii. The rapper, originally from Syracuse, decided to commit to the team at the age of 25. This is 100% true, and I beg you all to fact-check me.

Reeling from this news, we at Onward State have decided we want to see some new faces on the team. If the team’s management is reading this, take notes.

Kevin Gates

I mean, why wouldn’t we get Kevin Gates? The man started a car battery with his bare hands, for God’s sake. If that’s not convincing enough, just watch a video of him onstage. Talk about a presence. The more I hear about this guy, the more I can see him in Penn State Football’s pantheon.

Shane Gillis

This may seem like an odd pick, but bear with me. Not only did Gillis grow up in Mechanicsburg, only an hour or two from State College, but he also has a history in football. The man was recruited out of high school for West Point’s football team, the Black Knights. He may or may not have transferred out immediately, but at least that means his eligibility is still open.

Timothee Chalamet

A famous actor, especially one elected “White Boy of the Year,” deserves to be on Penn State’s defensive line. Honestly, a complete no-brainer, if you ask me.

The Rizzler

Aura alone dictates this pick. I don’t know how well he’d fare on the field, but I’m guessing the other team would be too distracted to try anything with the Rizzler as an opponent. One glance and we’d have a championship.

Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan “walk ’em down” Kenobi is a natural choice for the team. He’s gone up against Dooku, Ventress, and prime Vader countless times, and only died when he chose to. Let’s not forget his bout with Maul, where he sliced the Sith Lord in half with his recently deceased master’s weapon, after hanging off the edge of a bottomless pit. The man can play.

LeBron James

He may or may not be the GOAT; I’m not here to judge. But he went straight from high school to the NBA, leaving his eligibility enticingly open. And if he is the GOAT, I’m sure he’ll make the jump in sports far better than the other apparent GOAT. We’d all love to see it, just don’t send us Bronny.

Bruce Banner

A Penn State grad, a brilliant physicist, and occasionally a massive green bundle of muscle, Dr. Bruce Banner would be a perfect pick for the Nittany Lions’ lineup next season. Even with no coach, I think the Hulk could get us a few touchdowns. Maybe.

Dave Blunts

Name one reason why this guy shouldn’t be on the team. As long as he finally puts the cup down, I think he’d be perfect. I mean, who could get past him?

The Centre County Bigfoot

If you are unaware, we have a cryptid in our midst. Centre County has been the site of multiple possible Bigfoot encounters within the past year, and I’m certain the Nittany Lions’ management should check him out. The beast is somewhere between six and twelve feet tall, lives right by the stadium, and has a legendary record of avoiding capture. Run him through a couple of drills, and we’ll all be happier for it.