The holiday is upon us, ladies. No, not Groundhog’s Day, assholes, Superbowl muthafuckin’ Sunday. The Super Bowl is the second highest day of annual food consumption behind only Thanksgiving. It’s a day of beer, food and football: the only way that could get more American is if it happened to also fall on the Fourth of July and everyone was required to wear jorts and drink only Jack Daniels or Bud heavy. These colors don’t run people.
But, okay, I get it. Not all us chicks appreciate the cornerstone of American culture that is the NFL. Trust me, no one knows that better than I do. People ask me who my favorite football team is, and I say none.
“You don’t have a favorite football team? Seriously?”
No, I don’t. My dad doesn’t follow sports. Never did. The only time my dad is ever cheering or clapping at the TV is during a political debate. Meet the Press is his ESPN. I grew up listening to NPR in the car, not a ball game. This, of course, became a huge reason why I chose a school with a huge football culture (as did my sister, she went to Notre Dame) but also explains why I am minoring in political science. But back to the point: No, I don’t have a favorite football team because I don’t follow football and would have no idea what I was talking about if I acted like I did. Yeah, I’m from New Jersey so I guess I will root for the Giants on Sunday, but could I name 3 players on their team? Hell no. Not at all. And I wouldn’t be caught dead in a pink football jersey, or one made by Victoria’s Secret PINK for that matter. Cue an eyeroll here.
And I’m not alone in this. Guys really won’t appreciate you talking about how cute the players’ butts look in their pants or how hot Tom Brady is. Yes, really. Superbowl Sunday is the Sunday Funday of all Sunday Fundays so don’t ruin it by being that
guy chick. Here are some Do’s and Don’ts to follow this weekend:
- Ask too many questions. This gets really effing annoying. If you plan on being an active viewer, read up and do some research or ask someone to give you a basic rundown of how it’s all gonna go down. (I would recommend asking a guy and not some especially butch looking gal walking down the street with a normal colored jersey on because she’ll be less likely to help you. I learned this the hard way.)
- Comment on the uniforms. Saying things like “Why do you want them to win? The other team’s uniforms are way cuter” will send you straight to the doghouse.
- On that note, don’t mention how hot Tom Brady is, even amongst Pats fans. We all know this comment snowballs into a rant about how he’s so lucky to be married to Giselle, how “totes amazing” his smile is, etc etc. This will cue looks from people telling you to shut up. Or, if they have enough testosterone/alcohol flowin’ in them, they’ll yell at you to shut up. This will then lead you to…
- Become the girl that talks too much. Everyone hates this person. Even chicks. This is one of those situations where sitting in silence is socially okay. Really, I bet if you asked Emily Post herself she would even tell you to shut the hell up. Chances are if you’re talking, you’re asking too many questions, making comments about uniforms, trying to change the subject or…
- Yell or cheer too loudly/enthusiastically. This is a huge no-no. Everyone knows you don’t know what the hell is going on and by jumping on the bandwagon and shouting after a tackle or interception is going to garner the same amount of hatred that you will receive if you show up in a pink jersey. Also, don’t cheer at the wrong time. Aaaaaaaaasshole.
- Wear the wrong jersey. I’m sorry but showing up in an Eagles jersey or like, I don’t know, a Broncos jersey isn’t funny or ironic, you’re just going to look like an idiot. Plus, someone is inevitably going to ask you why you’re being so arrogant about the team you’re supporting and if you’re not equipped to rattle off some stats for at least 5 minutes you might as well just turn around and go to Pinkberry or something.
- Don’t talk about how excited you are for the halftime show. We know Madonna is a total washed up raisin nowadays, no one is buying that whole “I’m still hot” act. And if “Vogue” really is your favorite song ever, this may be a time to reconsider your life for a moment.
- Provide a lot of good food. Tailgate food is the absolute shit. 7 layer taco dip, chips and salsa, burgers, hot dogs, pigs in a blanket, subs, chips, wings…do I need to continue? Order in advance, call your mom for that awesome buffalo chicken dip recipe, buy extra cold cuts, whatever you need to do, just make sure you have a kickass spread available since you won’t be speaking often you might as well be eating.
- Pick a team to cheer for. You don’t want to be a complete loser who doesn’t bring anything to the table, so you have to pick a team, but just be clear that you’re reason for rooting for them is not legitmate whatsoever. This will garner you more respect than just repeating whatever you heard on SportsCenter the night before.
- Be quiet when your team is losing. You might not know why everyone is sad, but you know they’re not talking, so follow suit. Words of encouragement are not going to help. At all. Oppositely…Don’t be pompous when your team is kicking ass. You’re not going to be able to backup your smack talk. Gloat silently. This all applies to the end result of the game as well. Let the losers sulk in peace and celebrate your victory with an appropriate amount of exuberance.
And of course, should you not follow these Do’s and Don’ts, you are required to stay in the kitchen the rest of the game and make sandwiches. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time, bitches.