It’s 5 pm and you’re stumbling out of Fratland in search of something incredibly unhealthy — preferably fried or doused in grease — but how are you supposed to choose from the plethora of fine dining options? Luckily, I have worked my way through the pantheon of State College venues and have rounded up the best of the best:
Baja Fresh: This is by far the most overwhelming choice. It’s right under Center Court, so it’s on the way home for all of us sorority gals. Plus, half of the seniors in Greek life live right above it, so it’s convenient for all. Their bathrooms are really big and usually clean, which is refreshing after spending all day at a frat which probably had shit smeared all over the walls/floor/all surfaces. The only issue is that there isn’t much seating, but it’s delicious, so whatever, it’s worth it right? Or you could always just stumble home and order it from Lionmenus. Just make sure you don’t pass out before it gets there.
Five Guys: Not only do I cure my hangovers with Five Guys fries, but I also prevent them with those greasy suckers. By the time you walk all the way there, you’re going to be ravenous, which is fine because Five Guys offers peanuts to munch on in the meantime. Convenient. Also, they have those space age Coke machines now, which you will inevitably babble about for quite a while whilst waiting for your double cheeseburger.
Chipotle: There’s a reason why the line at Chipotle is even more offensive than usual every Thursday, Friday and Saturday this time of year. Nothing is more satisfying than some barbacoa after shotgunning Natty’s all day. You have to be careful though. Ladies, you’re going to have a serious food baby after this. You’re already going to be full from all the beer you drank and then you’re going in inhale a burrito bowl loaded with guac and sour cream. Yuh-ikes. This will then lead you to want to throw up so that you won’t still be so full later when you go back out. The problem is, this practice encourages some irresponsible puking habits and no one wants to hear you vomming real loud in the bathroom. Then again, if you don’t get rid of it before you start drinking again, you could end up yakking later that night and it’s not gonna be pretty. As for the guys, you’ll probably be fine. Or not. Gross.
McDonalds: The classic standby — ole’ reliable per say. The best part about McDonald’s is obviously how cheap it is; you can buy enough food for a small country with the same amount of money you would spend on one burrito at Chipotle. Also, if you’re especially sloppy, you don’t need to worry about making a mess because that place is always covered in a layer of filth. You’ll fit right in!
Jimmy Johns: Although I am totally team Jersey Mikes, I have to admit that Jimmy Johns is the better choice because it’s not as heavy. I order my subs “Mike’s Way” which involves a lot of oil and vinegar and very heavy cold cuts. Jimmy Johns is a little smaller and not as digestively offensive. It also delivers very quickly and is right across the street from South Halls and McDonalds, which is a prime location. It’s filling, but not as debilitating as Chipotle and the bread will help soak up that alcohol so you’ll be ready for round two later that night.