As Penn Staters stumble home in the cold from their Thirsty Thursday festivities, they are drawn to the infamous cheese balls at Grillers like moths to a flame. I set up camp with Ali Fogarty, Greg Schlosser, and Zach Berger outside of this beloved Beaver Ave. drunk eatery to listen to the inebriated comments of hungry passersby. Armed with some delightfully greasy grilled cheese sandwiches, we sat to observe the impending parade of debauchery. Here are the best (or worst, depending how you’d like to look at it) things that we overheard at Grillers.

Disgruntled Phillies fan: “I mean, obviously he was a virgin if he was wearing a Pirates shirt.”

Guy in a red shirt: “It’s not like Mitt is a great name, all he can do is catch balls.”
Zach Berger: “His real first name is Willard.”
Guy in a red shirt: “NO WAY maybe he knows the Willard Preacher!”

Guy in a blue hoodie as he passes a girl eating cheese balls: “DON’T DO IT GIRL! YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT!”

Some guy, screaming and banging on the hood of a normal silver Civic: “HEY! ARE YOU A CAB? I GOTTA GO TO ATHERTON!”

Me: “Hi!”
Drunk dude walking past: “HI!”
Me: “How you doin’?”
Drunk dude, yelling over his shoulder: “I’m pretty fucked up, to be honest!”

Girl in a North Face, chasing her drunk friend: “Come back here! Elena! ELENA!”
Her drunk friend: “WOOOOOO!” *runs into traffic with a grilled cheese hanging from her mouth*

Guy in a grey thermal: “I’m Graham Spanier! No wait, I’m his son. I love balls.”

Guy in corduroys: “FIVE SECOND RULE! FIVE SECOND RULE!”

Girl in a fracket: “Oh my god, who are all of these people who aren’t drunk like me?”

Asian girl in a leather jacket, screaming and running: “TAAAAKE ME HOME TONIGHT!”

Guy in a white hoodie: “So I said to him–”
His friend: “Wait, wait, time out, time out, time out.” *stares at the ass of a female passerby until she’s out of sight* “Okay, you were saying?”

Girl in a multicolored dress, pointing to a couple: “Nomygod they’re so gonna snug! I hope they snug! They better snug! They’re gonna snug!”

Guy in a red shirt: “If you wanna vote for world war three, you better mention Canyon Pizza, because that shit’s fucked up.”

Guy with a pink button down: “I’m too drunk to function right now.”

Guy in a hoodie: “Can you give me a cigarette?”
Guy in a snapback, nodding at the other guy’s lady friend: “Maybe if she gives me a BJ, I don’t know.”

Drunk girl, opening to door to Grillers, where they do not serve pizza: “Pizza, I can’t wait to get pizza.”

Some guy jogging past, to the tune of Just Keep Swimming: “Just keep running, just keep running, just keep running, Francis…”

Smug blonde guy: “Cheese balls? I love balls. But not the kind with cheese. Big meaty balls.”

Tall guy: “So what are you up to tonight?”
Me: “I’m listening to the stupid shit drunk people say and writing a post about it for Onward State.”
Tall guy: “So you’re saying you’re going to quote me?”
Me: “It’s likely.”
Tall guy:  “Yo, fucking quote me. Quote my fucking brilliant shit. Yo, quote the shit out of me, I’m so fucked and I’d be happy to read that in the morning.”
Me: “Got you covered.”

Guy in a crewneck: “He has an accent!”
Australian guy: “I’m from Australia.”
Guy in a crewneck: “Oh, sick! Are you from like Melbourne, or Sydney?”
Australian guy: “No, neither. I’m from Perth.”
Guy in a crewneck: “Ohhhh. Is Perth like… the New Jersey of Austrlia?”

Kid in a flannel, sitting a blonde girl on the bench: “Okay, stay here. We’re going inside to get food.”
Hammered blonde, slurring: “Ssssstop, you guys! Why are you guys secluding me? Gimme a cigarette.”
Kid in a flannel: “You don’t need another one. Stay.” *walks inside*
Hammered blonde, screaming: “WHY DO YOU GUYS ALWAYS SECLUDE ME?” *makes eye contact with me* “HELP ME, THEY’RE SECLUDING MEEEEEE!”
Me: “I’m sorry, girl!”
Hammered blonde, whimpering: “They’re secluding me…” *walks over and stumbles onto Zach Berger’s lap* “I love you guys so much, I seriously just… Hey, do you have a cigarette?”

Dude pointing to another dude’s Phillies shirt: “Philly is a phallic phailure.”

Girl in Risky Business attire, pointing at Grillers: “QUESO! …I’m sorry, I’m in Spanish mode right now.”

Guy in moccasins: “I do baseline everything. School is for… people that go to school. Live life to the least.”

Shady guy trying to get one of Drew Balis’s Bud Light Limes: “Hey, my Philly fan brother. How much of these cash friends do I have to toss you for one of those bad boys?”

Shady guy, after roughly 20 minutes of trying to get one of Drew Balis’s Bud Light Limes: “TRADEY TRADEY, MOTHERFUCKER. Public drunkenness my ass, cops!”

Shady guy, giving up on trying to get one of Drew Balis’s Bud Light Limes: “Fine, I’m done. Whatever, Captain 21-year-old-McFuck-this-shit.”

Guy in a black shirt: “Dude, you’re gonna get quoted.”
His friend: “…I’m gonna get demoted?”

Drunk guy, to his phone: “Siri, should I get Canyon or Grillers?”

Guy in a Rush Week shirt to a group of girls: “Heeeeeyyy! You girls like anal?”

Girl, crying on her friend: “Like, I have no friends. I can’t lose you!”

Girl shouting to Greg Schlosser from her balcony: “YO DUDE! Look at my nipple!”

Guy: “You guys are nice!”
Other guy: “HEY FUCK YOU MAN!”

Kid with a backwards hat: “Every time I shake hands with a girl my grilled cheese gets fucked up. This is why I don’t shake hands with girls.”

Girl in boots: “So what did you have to drink tonight?”
Belligerently drunk guy, slurring: “A liiiiiittle bit of too much!”

Guy in a grey shirt: “I’m a dirty townie mother fucker!”

Girl in a short skirt: “I bet none of you guys will buy me cheese balls!”
Guy in a hoodie: “I bet you’re right!”

Girl with a cheetah scarf: “A milkshake? I asked for a hot chocolate! It’s FREEZING outside.”
Guy in a red hoodie: “At least I got the chocolate part right?”
Girl with a cheetah scarf: “Yeah, I’m not gonna drink that.”

Girl in a leather jacket: “Oh my GOD, big deal! So I said his name wrong, fuck me with a rusty rake.”

Guy in sweats: “It was the boobs, they were holding him back.”

Weird guy: “Do you mind if I stand here with you guys?”
Me: “Sure, that’s fine.”
Weird guy: *takes a drag from his cigarette and exhales the smoke in my direction*
Me: “Can you not blow that in my face though? That’s my only request.”
Weird guy: “Do you say that to every guy, or just me?”