As the first week of the semester comes to a close, it has been confirmed that the entire student population, the entire faculty, all university employees, and anyone even remotely associated with the university had a “good” winter break.

The report was finalized after researchers confirmed that everyone had been asked multiple times about the quality of their winter break upon returning to campus. According to the report, not only had everyone been asked about their break, but everyone had also asked at least four other people about the quality of their breaks. The report ultimately concludes that the exact same conversation was had by everyone, and that that very same conversation was had over 500,000 times in total since classes resumed.

“My break was definitely good,” said Dana Gunderson (sophomore – economics). “It was really good, but I am tired of talking about it. Everyone hung out with their high school friends. Everyone spent quality time with their family. And everyone is excited for the new semester to start.”

Other students have also expressed the desire to start moving on and talking about different stuff.

“I will talk about anything at this point,” said Michael DeBarris (junior – engineering). “I never even cared about anyone’s break. I was just asking to seem polite. I just want to fast forward two weeks so that one of my friends will have gotten hammered and embarrassed themselves, so that we will have things to talk about.”

The researchers concluded their report by offering suggestions for how to avoid this problem in the future.

“Just don’t even bother asking,” said Dr. John Walgreen, head researcher. “Instead of starting all your conversations by asking how people’s break was, just skip it and ask about something else. These people are your friends; it shouldn’t be difficult to talk to them. Besides, there were tons of movies out over break. Did you see Django Unchained? How badass was that movie?”

When asked how they felt about the upcoming spring break everyone everywhere said they were “really looking forward to it.”

Article by Pat Feehan of the Penn State humor magazine, Phroth. Check out Phroth on Facebook and follow them on Twitter.