How to Tell Who’s an Asshole on State Patty’s Day

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State Patty’s Day is almost upon us, and most of the Penn State student population is gearing up for a day-long celebration in the name of debauchery.

Celebrating for the sake of celebrating tends to bring out the worst in people, though. There are few days that attract assholes quite like SPD, and they will undoubtedly be out in full force. Depending on how much you’re going to “celebrate,” you may just spot an asshole passing by. Or, you may be one.

10. Walking Carelessly Across the Street 

Believe it or not, students will not be the only people alive on Saturday. However, they will be walking around like they own the damn streets. The asshole does not care about automobiles (most just don’t notice them).

9. Screaming from a Balcony

This is day one stuff for assholes in training. The yellers are sort of like the old guys from the Muppets, except they’re hornier, drunker, and not as funny. Statler and Waldorf may have been a little tipsy though.

8. Trying to Get a Drink at a Bar

Whoops. Forgot about that one, didn’t ya.

7. Wearing a Green THON Shirt While You’re Out

Let’s try to keep these two events separate. If you’re going to justify your hard work at THON with a day of excessive drinking, then you just may be an asshole.

6. Being Overly Preachy about Not Partaking

If you choose not to party, that’s great. Acting as if you’re better than everyone else because you’re not partaking in SPD is not so great.

5. Singing on the Bus

They’re one more stop away from number 3. If it’s “Don’t Stop Believin” or “Sweet Caroline,” they’re closer to number 2.

4. Public Urination

A true asshole doesn’t know their bladder. And they use every crease and crevice of State College to make up for it.

3. Passing Out in a Public Place

It’s almost like they want everyone to know they’re an asshole. There’s nothing classy about spending half the night in some bushes, and half the night with the cops. And the even bigger assholes are the friends who leave them there.

2. Vomiting

The asshole vomits on themselves, others, the bus, at a crowded party, in a sink, on devices, near a toilet/trashcan (but not in it), on the sidewalk, and right in front of a police officer.

1. Disrespecting the Community

It’s been well-documented that residents of State College and Borough officials don’t care much for this holiday. Making it worse by destroying public property or making a family feel uncomfortable downtown is low. Very low.

State Patty’s Day is coming, whether you like it or not. But there’s no need to draw more negative attention by being an asshole. Have some respect for yourself and the community and, above all, be safe out there.

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