Nothing lasts forever: things change, stuff is taken from us too soon, treasured objects get lost, and people go missing. One can’t help but ask where these following things or people could have gone. Let’s take a look.
1. Mama Mia’s Spoon
Last fall, the gigantic spoon was stolen from Mama Mia’s on College Ave. Though a video was posted of the perpetrators stealing the wall mounted silverware, the spoon has yet to be returned to the restaurant. I’m no detective, but I have two hypotheses: I imagine the spoon is currently being held captive by the thieves mounted on a wall as a trophy for the malicious thieves. It’s a scene all too familiar in the history of mankind: heads of traitors on pikes decorating London Bridge, shrunken heads in the Amazon, hunted deer heads mounted on walls in many Pennsylvania homes, and now a rather large spoon on a wall in Happy Valley. People love showing off their triumph.
Another possibility is that the thief took it quite literally when his or her partner said “I like the big spoon” and decided a big spoon would be a nice Christmas present.
The latest rumors have the perpetrators safely across state lines in Virginia (seriously), but the spoon and its thieves remain at large.
2. The Vairo Boulevard Shanker
On an otherwise normal day in December 2012, a 40-year-old Penn State graduate student was stabbed on a bike trail near Vairo Boulevard. At the time of the incident, the stabber was described as “a caucasian male with facial hair, 5’8″, wearing black clothing and a backpack, and possibly a gray sweatshirt.” So pretty much, the odds of you looking around in class and seeing someone who fits this physical description is extraordinarily high. That guy who bought you a drink the other night? Could be him. The guy who sat next to you in lecture? Could be him. That guy who tossed you up in the air at Beaver Stadium after a touchdown? Could be him, too.
Either way, the police have no public leads on the man who turned Penn State upside down for about an hour.
Since its closing in July 2013, what used to be a bustling, sub-sanitary hub for greasy yet magical one dollar grilled cheese sandwiches is now a sad vacancy in the heart of downtown State College. Seeing as no other business has taken over the prime location to date, we can only hope that Grillers will one day return to its home.
“Where’d you go? I miss you so. Seems like it’s been forever since you’ve been gone. Please come back home.” – Fort Minor, “Where’d You Go”
4. Penn State Lives Here Banner
I personally envy whoever had the physical strength and stealth to take the Penn State Lives Here banner from Sackett Building. I envy that the thief now has a giant slip and slide for the summer. I hope that one day this banner surfaces on top of Mount Rushmore, on Mark Emmert’s front yard, on eBay, or in a Pitbull music video. It’s a shame that the $1,700 banner is too large to be a cape, because I see this thief as a hero.
5. Theta Delta Chi’s $90,000
“One day there was all this money, and the next morning it was all gone!” is a line I drop on my parents a bit more often than I’d like, but this is what happened to Theta Delta Chi fraternity between August 2011 and December 2012. 90 grand is a massive amount of money, and I hope it was well spent on tuition, rent, Wings Over, liquor, charity, or a combination of those said things.
Last we heard, the perpetrator was paying at least some of that money back to the fraternity.
6. JoePa Statue
Since the removal of the Joe Paterno statue outside of Beaver Stadium on July 22, 2012, many Penn Staters and non-Penn Staters alike have shared the curiosity as to the location of bronze Joe. Let’s take a moment to realize that the physical location of the statue is not important; the spirit of JoePa and his statue is in our hearts. Nevertheless, whether it be in Beaver Stadium or some OPP garage at the edge of town, the hunt continues.
7. The Playground in the HUB
There was a time when Penn State students could express themselves freely in the HUB through dancing, singing, playing music, and everything else that makes life a bit more cheerful. Then, in September of 2013, the hammer came down when one Penn State student declared that the HUB is not a playground.
Oh, who are we kidding. The HUB is a playground — our playground. Go crazy, folks!