These debates brought me right back to good old presidential election season ’08, when mudslinging ruled the media. Despite honorable attempts by all three candidate teams, the debate was rife with name-dropping, fist-banging, and ad-hominem arguments (although some candidates engaged in such activity more than others). So what’s a student to do? Here’s a no-nonsense summary to spare you from last night’s long-winded bravado:

Borsuk-Paseka: Key word–collaborative. And I don’t mean just any kind of collaboration–the team hopes to run a UPUA that would represent and “embrace” EVERY student and EVERY thing (animate or inanimate) at Penn State. This includes toilets. I wish I could tell you more about this plan, but Borsuk lost me when he attempted to answer a question about university fees with an anecdote about the installment of low-flush toilets. Yet for all of his well-intentioned emphasis on collaboration, Borsuk’s diplomacy skills resembled those of a four-year-old kid whose whining and jargon are ignored by adults (Quote of the night, when Borsuk addressed Keirans: “Mr. President, it’s time to stop talking about being President and start being President”).

Miller-Smith: Key word–change. The Miller-Smith interaction was slightly reminiscent of the Obama-Biden campaign (no surprise, as Miller is Executive Vice President of the College Democrats); they emphasized transparency of government and harnessing the power of the people. Miller consulted Smith throughout the debate. They recognize that they’re not the experts on the issues at hand, and they want to consult the average Penn State student (insert your stereotype here). Miller did have a slip-up when describing this consultation process and referred to herself as the President of UPUA. I thought the average Penn State student was going to decide this tomorrow, unless Miller knows something we don’t know.

Keirans-Gupta: Key word–plethora. Of everything. Yes, Keirans repeated this word probably eight times, but it was just to emphasize his plethora of experience, relationships, support, programs (have I mentioned that we now have Free Legal Advice?), and plans (the all-college board, a “Greek Loop,” a 24-hour CATA Loop for the weekend drunks, and a 40-page platform). Can you have a plethora of confidence? Because Keirans has it. Not to harp on a concept, but I do have a question for Mr. Keirans: The UPUA website hasn’t been updated for a year, but you have a campaign website that touts very glossy pictures of your jawline. Hmm….

Other highlights: If you thought people didn’t care about UPUA elections, you’re wrong. The moderator, Alex Goodstein, had to ask the audience to refrain from clapping and squealing after every question. Also, I’m pretty sure all candidates text-messaged Kayla, President of ARHS, at some point to boast of her support for their campaign. She’s practically already running. I think I’ll put her on my ballot tomorrow.