I glanced at the Collegian and decided today must be April Fool’s Day.

Then I realized it was still September and bellowed with rage because SIMMONS IS CLOSING.

Simmons Dining Hall fully caters to health-conscious students. AKA they actually serve vegetables, whole grains, and lean meats. Students flock to Simmons like the salmon of Capistrano. It’s close, comfortable, delicious, and nutritious.

Their salad bar stretches beyond the horizon line and you can eat over a dozen Simmons cookies without hitting the 2,000-calorie mark. Who would shut down Simmons? Only Stalin, Pol Pot, the Grinch, or Penn State could commit such an atrocity.

According to the Collegian, new dorms rooms will replace the dining hall (A similar kitchen-to-dorm phenomenon transpired in McElwain a couple years ago). Can I at least get the room with the soft-serve machine?

This news devastated my fellow Simmons aficionados and me. Words cannot describe the anguish, so I took this picture instead.

Where was the debate?  Where was the opportunity window for some classic protesting? Maybe The Establishment wants to keep our arteries clogged and our lives short.

Unless we chain ourselves to the salad bar when the construction crews arrive, Simmons will soon exist only in our memories.  RIP.