Roller Derby: The Ovarian Fist

The Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre, State College Area Roller’s derby debut, lived up to its’ name yesterday evening. Members of the FBI’s Hoover’s Honeys and the Mafia’s Machine Gun Kellys participated in the scrimmage, slamming and hammering into each other. There haven’t been this many tumultuous females in one place since the women’s suffrage movement.

I really had no idea what to expect coming into this. Virtually a rookie to the sport, the only knowledge I had was based off of the few times I had caught glimpses of the A&E series Rollergirls while channel surfing. Anyone familiar to the show, or anyone who can get behind some family sanctioned girls-beating-the-shit-out-of-each-other-in-nothing-but-lingerie, will understand that I had high expectations.

SCAR got more than it had hoped for, with over 700 people attending the Massacre. The organizers only expected around 400 people to show up, said Machine Gun Kellys Captain Hootie’s Bootie (no, that’s not her real name). Something about flat track really just gets the, at times absent, inhabitants of State College jacked. And for good reason.

Before the match began, the two teams took several warm-up laps. Hoover’s Honeys were clad in dressy white shirts, along with black ties or bow ties; the Machine Gun Kellys donning a gothic school girl style of sorts. After a shockingly impressive, operatic rendition of the national anthem (what’s up now Christina Aguilera?) and tutorial of Roller Derby 101, they were off and skating.

Now, I placed my money down on the Machine Gun Kellys, and I will give you three reasons why I did so:

  • You don’t mess with the Mafia.
  • One thing I’ve learned in my life is that girls in all black tend to be very dangerous.
  • When you have Melee Cyrus and The Ovarian Fist (who was also #420) on your team, victory is inevitable.

The first 20-minute half belonged to the Kellys, who exhibited stellar defense. Player Freak HopHer Hedy made her prominence as a jammer known, sweeping past the Honeys’ pack with ease. While the audience struggled to understand the scoring system (meaning minimal cheering at the appropriate times), and there were only a few shoves and falls, the half ended with a score of 75-56 in favor of the Kellys.

After a brief intermission that included a silent auction and a performance by Giznad, an angsty youth indie punk band, the ladies were back on the rink, and they came out pissed. Riddled with some cataclysmic hits and painful-looking falls, these women were taking no prisoners. Kellys’ Captain Hootie’s Bootie was even kicked out of the rink for conducting seven major penalties (she was later allowed to return).

However, this half belonged to the Honeys. Quickly making up their deficit, the FBI pulled ahead far enough to ensure a 145-125 victory.

Announcer Uncle Timbo, who was dressed as a roller blading cowboy, provided passionate narration and kept a light mood, delivering some hard-hitting one liners that I just can’t go unnoticed:

“You comin’ to party tonight?”
“Yes! It unifies us! We are one, huzzah!”
“I will fight back. I’m from Texas.”
“Crash and burn! It’s ok, she’s made of water.”

Please don’t ever leave us, Uncle Timbo.

Roller Derby certainly was a hit with the locals. “I’m glad that Center County finally has flat track here. It gives us another form of entertainment to the community. I think the more they work on this, the better it will become,” said State College resident, Kevin Shock.

The skaters seemed to have just as much fun as the audience. “It was awesome. So much adrenaline. You can’t help but scream at the refs and push people to the side,” said Hootie’s Bootie.

If there’s anything I have learned from my first encounter with Roller Derby, it’s that State College should not let this opportunity pass, I should not bet on it, and it is indeed as badass as every Bruce Willis film you have ever seen.

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About the Author

Ryan Kristobak

Hailing from Lebanon, PA, I am a senior majoring in print journalism. Things I enjoy include lovesacs, denim, mullets, Fight Milk, Jonny Moseley, and "hang in there" kitten posters. Things that bother me include "fun" sized candy bars (not fun), fish, shoobies, wet door knobs, baby leashes, and Jake Lloyd.

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