THON Over, Penn State at a Loss for Words

It’s a serious but true epidemic that has been sweeping the snow-covered hills and Natty Ice cans of Happy Valley. It’s something so unthinkable that there aren’t even words to describe it. No, the swine flu isn’t back. Calm down, East Halls, there will be no quarantine rooms.

What seems to be happening is what doctors describe as a clinical “loss for words.” It occurs after something huge happens in a person’s life. The victim becomes unable to think of anything new to talk about. Nothing else in their life is prominent enough for them to form a sentence about it. The only thing they can talk about is the aforementioned life changing event.

Well, some would say that THON was a pretty big event. I mean, $9.56 million and 46 hours of dancing. So, what seems to have happen was that THON has literally wiped some students’ minds of any normal language skills. They are at a total loss for words. What we are left with is zombie philanthropists. They can’t do anything but iron their “100 Days Till THON” shirts and recap their first tweet after the big reveal. Astounded by this phenomena, Marcus and I decided to sit down with a few of the victims of this frightening epidemic. Needless to say, we were left speechless.

The first person we encountered was so astounded by THON he was still wearing his tube socks and sweat bands. He was also too speechless to tell us his name or anything at all really. Here is how it unfolded.

Evan: Hey man, mind if we ask you a few things for a news story?
THONer: Hold on. (Puts down bouncy ball, bubble wand, visor, gatorade, etc. ) Do you mind if I stay standing and just shuffle around in a circle?

Evan: I’m sorry, but did you mean to say yes? Would you like to start by giving us your name?
THONer: Umm, oh crap I just had this one.  I use to remember it but by the time dancer mail came, the only phrase I had in my mouth was, “FTK.”

Marcus: Well, I see you got your THON gear on. What committee were you on?
THONer: The one for the kids, duh. We had really bright colors on if that helps.

*THONer scratches head*

Evan: Is there anything else you’d like to add?
THONer: Yeah, you mind if I hop on your back and stretch out for a second while you carry me around? Then maybe a little rub-down?

Marcus: Okay then…thank you.
THONer: Just go with it, I’ll do you next.

*THONer begins to give Evan a leg massage*

I know that was rough. Looks like this THONer is a goner. After one disappointment we had to witness one more. It was like a Pringle. The next person we came across was a girl. She was wearing a a tutu skirt and had Four Diamonds drawn on her arm in Sharpie. What happened next may disturb a few.

Evan: Hey, we’re with Onward State, do you mind if we get an interview?
THONer: Like, we, like, raised, like $9.56 million dollars. Like, wow!

*THONer begins to do the line dance while popping a roll of Smarties*

Evan: Yeah, it’s amazing. Was this your first THON?
THONer: Go Go Gadjet, was like, amazing. FTK!

*THONer still doing line dance, moving on to her third roll of Smarties*

Marcus: They were great. What was your favorite part of THON weekend?

Marcus: So, you liked the whole thing?

That was as equally disturbing as our first interview. It also didn’t help that my ears were left ringing with the letters, FTK. It seems that if they have any speech left at all, it is completely dominated by remarks about THON. It’s like their brain is stuck scrolling through the hash marks of THON on Twitter. It is really something.

This isn’t a unique case. Some sororities have reported complete silence down entire hallways. That is, until a sister starts screaming, “FTK!” in her sleep. Some faculty have even noticed a change. One TA has reported that a student wrote THON two thousand times and turned it in for an assignment. Another student failed to do an assignment at all and instead attempted to teach the entire class the line dance.

Will the speechless ever get their voices back? Will they ever talk about anything ever again in their lives? Scientists predict a happy ending. With State Patty’s Day looming, most psychologists predict students will be back to conversation as usual once their friends force them to change their THON shirt to a “Kiss Me, Oh My God, Wait Don’t, I Threw Up Earlier” shirt. They say that the words are sure to come flying back once someone plays “Shipping Up To Boston” while taking a shot of Vlad dyed green. I can hardly wait until we have our chatty Penn State back.

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About the Author

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