The State College Borough Council finally found a way to cope with the growing opposition to State Patty’s Day, and, in effect, abolish the holiday.

“We figured,” said Borough Council Member Tom Daubert, “that if we outlawed drinking on the last Saturday in February, then they’d move it to the day before, after, and so on and so on. It just became too much to deal with.”

To prevent the drinking nuisance once and for all, the government of Centre County agreed to raise the drinking age to 78, because the few people who are alive at that age aren’t throwing bangers at the Meridian.

“Good riddance to alcohol!” cheered Mayor Goreham, who was subsequently arrested and cited with an underage when authorities seized a bottle of wine found in her home. Police Chief Tom King noted that widespread, discreet underage drinking was going on in under-78 residents’ rooms at Foxdale Village, and that the nursing home has since sent its employees on routine checks for hidden handles of vermouth purchased by anyone born before April 1, 1933.

The Borough and Centre County are expected to save millions in taxes on extra police and ambulance personnel. In fact, they have laid off half of each force.

Canyon Pizza went under seconds after the announcement.

“With no drunks, how are we going to trick kids into eating our shitty ‘pizza?’ ” cried owner Harry Houdini.

Downtown has been dead, except for the line of walkers jammed outside of Indigo for “Glenn Miller Tuesdays,” early bird specials from 4 to 5 p.m. in the afternoon.

Construction has already started for a slew of bars by Whipple Dam, just over the line into Huntingdon County. “Good luck, fuckers!” was found spray painted on the sign marking the county line.

Another rumor is circulating that a developer has just purchased the land in Huntingdon County for massive apartment complexes close to the new construction of bars and liquor stores. Guido D’Elia is also considering the relocation of Beaver Stadium via airlift to Huntingdon County, because let’s be real—without tailgating, Penn State will shut down with or without state appropriations.

Starting today, Onward State is accepting over-under bets on how much time it takes for downtown State College to look like a post-apocalyptic ghost town; the mark is set at six weeks. We’re also taking 14:1 odds on civil war erupting. God help us.