Day: April 1, 2011

Onward State Publisher Is Son of President Spanier, Report Finds

Turns out that Onward State publisher and founder, Davis Shaver, has more in common with President Spanier than a passion for Penn State--a lot more. The information, revealed by the Daily Collegian, reportedly used genealogy sites and Woodward-and Bernstein-esque investigative reporting to come to this astounding conclusion.

Rob Bolden Re-Opens Recruitment After New Discovery

After getting his hard drive wiped clean by Penn State ITS consultants this past week, Penn State quarterback Rob Bolden needs to set his bookmarks back up again. As many of his Twitter followers know, Bolden cannot get enough Wings Over Happy Valley, so he went into Google to find the site and favorite it once again. Linking to the Wings Over website for the first time ever, Bolden was surprised and delighted to see that his favorite late-night treat was found in more cities than State College. Due to this startling development in the life of the Michigan native, Bolden has decided to re-open his recruitment, much to the delight of one Matt McGloin. Read what Bolden had to say about the development after the jump.

Christian Ragland’s Day Off Not Nearly As Whimsical As Ferris Bueller’s

At 4:00 Friday morning, Penn State University police were summoned to the third floor of the HUB, as motion sensors had detected an individual trying to break into room 332. Upon arriving on the scene, they found former UPUA president Christian Ragland clawing at the door, attempting to get in. Ragland was, in fact, asleep.

Upon his reawakening, Ragland seemed to have no recollection of the night's events. He could not name where he was, why he was there, or why he was fully dressed in a gray suit with an argyle sweater.

Centre County Raises Drinking Age to 78

The State College Borough Council finally found a way to cope with the growing opposition to State Patty's Day, and, in effect, abolish the holiday.

"We figured," said Borough Council Member Tom Daubert, "that if we outlawed drinking on the last Saturday in February, then they'd move it to the day before, after, and so on and so on. It just became too much to deal with."

To prevent the drinking nuisance once and for all, the government of Centre County agreed to raise the drinking age to 78, because the few people who are alive at that age aren't throwing bangers at the Meridian.

Mascot Arrested, Faces Probation and Possible Jail Time

At 2:28 this morning, State College Police apprehended the infamous Nookie Monster, heading east on Curtin Road on his way back to Medlar Field. Police found 750 grams of chocolate chip cookies stuffed in his mouth, and he is now the primary suspect for Thursday's cookie heist at West Commons.

Are You a Bear? Campaign Warns of Danger

This week, students have been puzzled by unexplained chalk writings all over campus. The mystery was finally solved today as the typo was corrected. Apparently, a terrible cell phone connection led to the message being distorted, resulting in incredibly vague warnings. The actual goal was to rectify the abysmally low amount of undercover bear awareness.

The warnings have been traced to a group calling itself The Grizzly Truth, who claim that the low awareness of disguised bears leaves students extremely vulnerable. A representative from the group said that, in the midst of a budget crisis, students tend to forget that bears may be hidden among them. The chalk writings inspire self-reflection and make students aware that their loved ones may be bears in disguise.

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