PSU news by
Penn State's student blog

Topics

About

Centre County Raises Drinking Age to 78

The State College Borough Council finally found a way to cope with the growing opposition to State Patty’s Day, and, in effect, abolish the holiday.

“We figured,” said Borough Council Member Tom Daubert, “that if we outlawed drinking on the last Saturday in February, then they’d move it to the day before, after, and so on and so on. It just became too much to deal with.”

To prevent the drinking nuisance once and for all, the government of Centre County agreed to raise the drinking age to 78, because the few people who are alive at that age aren’t throwing bangers at the Meridian.

“Good riddance to alcohol!” cheered Mayor Goreham, who was subsequently arrested and cited with an underage when authorities seized a bottle of wine found in her home. Police Chief Tom King noted that widespread, discreet underage drinking was going on in under-78 residents’ rooms at Foxdale Village, and that the nursing home has since sent its employees on routine checks for hidden handles of vermouth purchased by anyone born before April 1, 1933.

The Borough and Centre County are expected to save millions in taxes on extra police and ambulance personnel. In fact, they have laid off half of each force.

Canyon Pizza went under seconds after the announcement.

“With no drunks, how are we going to trick kids into eating our shitty ‘pizza?’ ” cried owner Harry Houdini.

Downtown has been dead, except for the line of walkers jammed outside of Indigo for “Glenn Miller Tuesdays,” early bird specials from 4 to 5 p.m. in the afternoon.

Construction has already started for a slew of bars by Whipple Dam, just over the line into Huntingdon County. “Good luck, fuckers!” was found spray painted on the sign marking the county line.

Another rumor is circulating that a developer has just purchased the land in Huntingdon County for massive apartment complexes close to the new construction of bars and liquor stores. Guido D’Elia is also considering the relocation of Beaver Stadium via airlift to Huntingdon County, because let’s be real—without tailgating, Penn State will shut down with or without state appropriations.

Starting today, Onward State is accepting over-under bets on how much time it takes for downtown State College to look like a post-apocalyptic ghost town; the mark is set at six weeks. We’re also taking 14:1 odds on civil war erupting. God help us.

About the Author

Dan McCool

Dan is a senior and has been writing for Onward State since January 2010. Did you miss him? Nah, neither did we. He's returning after a semester abroad in England and will be serving as Arts Editor. Favorite things in life include references to The Big Lebowski.

Comments

More by Dan

Erase Your Expectations: Dan McCool’s Senior Column

Don’t worry about what you should be doing, or how what you’re doing is going to fit into the cadre of college—or Penn State, for that matter—predetermined by our culture. Go make your own Penn State, without any expectations; you’ll be much happier.

After Condom Spat, UPUA Approves Funding for Sexual Violence Prevention & Awareness Month

UPUA Is Walking to Harrisburg, Not Much Else

Athletics

Max Sauve Commits To Penn State Hockey

Sauve originally committed to Vermont in 2015, but flipped to Penn State at the eleventh hour and will join the Nittany Lions next season.

Penn State Women’s Volleyball Releases 2018 Schedule

Penn State Hoops Alumnus Joonas Suotamo’s Journey To Becoming Chewbacca Featured On ESPN’s ‘E:60’

Evaluating Tony Carr’s Performance At The 2018 NBA Draft Combine

Penn State Hockey Commit Evan Bell Wins Clark Cup With USHL’s Fargo Force

Student Life

10 Questions With 2019 Class Gift Director Tom Beeby

Tom Beeby will serve as the 2019 Class Gift Executive Director.

Career Services To Launch Integrated Career Management & Recruiting Platform

Penn State Esports Wins Tespa Collegiate Hearthstone Championship

Plans Submitted For New KFC In State College

Developers have submitted preliminary land development plans to build a new KFC restaurant at 1780 S. Atherton St. in State College.

Penn State Names Guadagnino Vice President For Administration

Guadagnino will continue to provide legal advice as associate general counsel in addition to his duties as vice president.

As Disciplinary Hearing Opens, Expert Says Baldwin Failed To Properly Represent Ex-Penn State Administrators

A Pennsylvania Disciplinary Board hearing began on Tuesday in Pittsburgh for former Penn State general counsel Cynthia Baldwin, who is accused of violating rules of professional conduct in her representation of former university administrators during the Jerry Sandusky investigation.

Be the first to know

  • Top posts and the best Penn State stories

Thank you for subscribing.

Something went wrong.

10 Questions With 2019 Class Gift Director Tom Beeby

Tom Beeby will serve as the 2019 Class Gift Executive Director.

Send this to a friend