Desperate Valentine’s Day Craigslist Debauchery
Are you feeling lonely this Valentine’s Day? Don’t worry, not all hope is lost. No matter how pathetic you may be, there is always someone even more pathetic on Craigslist that wants nothing more this V-Day than to get a piece of YOU! Here are just a few examples of people in the Penn State/Altoona area looking to fulfill their intimate desires this Valentine’s Day. This dude knows what he wants and isn’t playing any games. Not only does he have standards — he requires a picture before agreeing to meet up with you — but he’s willing to entertain the idea of more than one lady. Judging by his grammar, the lucky “ladies” who get to spend the night with this guy may be blessed with a poem or two in return.
This is perfect if you’re pathetic and also ugly. This guy just doesn’t give a shit. Not only does he let us know that he has no standards right off the bat, he makes sure we’re aware that he’ll bang anything in the very next sentence. Seriously, you could look like Lindsey Lohan after a meth trip, he doesn’t care.
Like the previous heartthrob, this guy also doesn’t care what you look like, but he’s nice enough to give you a good view of himself instead. And to top it off, he even admits that he works at Penn State. You’ll probably pass him at some point during your day today. It might even be that creepy biology teacher that’s always walking around during lab trying to look down your shirt.
No Craigslist casual encounters section is complete without someone with a weird ginger fetish. She even has a particular guy in mind that works at Indigo. Don’t worry though, even if you’re not ginger and don’t work at Indigo, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if you sent her an e-mail.
I’ve always been a Wal-Mart guy myself, but maybe I’ll have to go the extra few miles down Atherton St. next time to get a glance at this babe. Nothing says love like the office supplies aisle at Target. I’m not sure what I’d do though since I don’t have a lip ring to bite on every time a girl talks to me.
No, you’re wrong.
This guy is a wordsmith. I’ve never heard the term “financial domination” used to describe the desire to be a total mooch off your woman. Also, what the fuck is foot worship?
Sam Cooper, Ally Greer, Kevin Horne, Dana Kimmelman, and Dennis McNamara contributed to this report. They may or may not be some of these people.