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Onward Date: Conflicting Reports

We decided to experiment a bit this Valentine’s Day with some Onward State staff dates. We created a compatibility test and used a complex algorithm to match up staff members. The following is the story of Kevin and Laurel’s adventure.


When I saw that I had been matched up with Laurel, I knew that our date was going to be magical. Laurel is a new contributor, but she had been giving me libidinous looks during editorial meetings from the very beginning. I know, the sexual tension is nothing new for someone with my good looks and charm (as any of the Onward State females can attest to), but this time, at least, I had to go on a date before I could cash in.

Since Davis pays me so well and since I also happen to be the wealthiest person on staff, I took Laurel to the nicest restaurant in State College: The Corner Room. Immediately, I could see her examining me up and down, admiring my physique. “This is too easy,” I thought. I ordered a panini — I don’t remember what she ordered. Some vegetarian bullshit, I think.

We sat there for over an hour as I impressed her with my stories from lands far away and my political knowledge. She became mesmerized as I told her about all my letters of recommendations and connections in Washington. It didn’t even matter what I said; she was clearly enchanted and I was totally going to get lucky.

When I paid the check, I made sure to flip through all the ‘hunnids in my money clip just to make sure I sealed the deal. Her eyes lit up and I could see the lust pulsating through her body.

What happened after we left the Corner Room…well…just use your imagination.


From the moment the compatibility tests were announced, I dreaded my Valentine’s Day date. I’d taken the test thinking it would be a great way to meet someone who’d been at Onward State for a while–being a newbie myself–but I didn’t in a thousand years imagine I’d end up with Kevin fucking Horne.

I’d seen him at the staff meetings and noted that he was by far the ugliest person on staff and a bit pretentious — totally not my type. He just became an editor this semester but he already thinks he’s the shit. Everything that guy writes is garbage. Who cares about Penn State basketball reviews? Like, seriously.

I hoped he’d forget to contact me to set up a date, and when he remembered I tried to put him off. I think I must have canceled last minute on him at least five times, hoping he’d get the hint.

Finally, I ran out excuses, so we met at the Corner Room for a hopefully quick dinner. It was so awkward; I really didn’t know what to say to him, and he kept staring at my boobs very obviously. Eventually, we got on the subject of politics and it seemed as if he’d spent hours skimming through my Facebook. After a few direct quotes from my own status updates, I was thoroughly creeped out.

As the date wore on, my disinterest in him lost any subtlety it might have had. I paid more attention to the women gossiping in the table behind us than to his bragging about having letters of recommendation from Ralph Nader.

After stuffing my vegetarian cheese steak down my throat as quickly as possible to end the date early, the waiter took almost a half an hour to give us our check. As the date wrapped up, I noticed Kevin shifting his fat-ass closer to me, and I quickly stuck my hand out for a goodnight handshake before he could try anything else. He begged to walk me home but I lied and told him I had to go do homework in the library.

Valentine’s Day is probably the worst time of year to try out a blind date, and Onward State’s compatibility test officially failed me. I would never even consider talking to Kevin again. I think I’ll change my phone number. What a douchebag.

About the Author


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