Weird things happen at Indigo. When I was entered in the costume contest for Halloween (as a slutty beer keg, judge away), a gentleman who was by himself decided to chat me up. Fine, I’m a nice person, I’ll talk to him. Big mistake. If you are a girl who frequents clubs, you know that creepy guy who follows you around all night–this was him. Not only that, but he also was really into God. And that’s cool; whatever you believe is fine. But when a man whispers “God is with you” while you are shaking your ass to the artistic stylings of Sir Mix-a-Lot, you get a little bit uncomfortable. Ultimately, a bouncer came to my rescue asking me if I knew this guy who had been following me all night. I said I met him tonight, but I do not know the man personally. The bouncer responded with, “Okay. Well he’s telling us that he’s your boyfriend; we’re kicking him out.” True story.

People will do very strange things to get kicked out of Indigo—sometimes even intentionally. I even heard a story about a girl slapping a guy in Indigo, not because he had done anything to deserve being savagely assaulted, but because she wanted to cross “Getting kicked out of Indigo” off of her Penn State Senior Bucket List. This made me wonder what other cool crazy wacky ways people have gotten kicked out of Indigo. I decided to do some research to get to the bottom of this issue.

So if you want to get kicked out of Indigo, here are some helpful tips. If you’re a responsible member of society who doesn’t enjoy being kicked out of clubs then use this list as a cautionary tale. Note: these are true stories, and yes, they apparently do happen.

Evan is funnier than I will ever be, so he composed the following list.

1. Pay with a cell phone instead of legal tender 

Unless you own a Jitterbug, your cell phone is certainly worth more money than whatever drink you’re buying. Don’t pay for an $8 Happy Valley Koolaid with an iPhone worth hundreds of dollars, you drunk idiot. If you do, that’s a sure sign that you’re a VIP (Visibly Intoxicated Patron) and the boot of Indigo will swiftly kick your ass out of the club.

2. Take a bathroom stall hostage

Sometimes you just want to be in isolation for an hour. If that’s the case and you’re at Indigo, you have two options:

-Say to yourself, “I should go home,” and leave immediately

-Lock yourself in a bathroom stall and get kicked out anyway

Both of these options will end with you leaving Indigo, but only the second will have you spend time in jail. Don’t go to jail. Don’t lock yourself in the bathroom. Other people need to use that stall! Speaking of which…

3. Skip the bathroom line by projectile vomiting

Bathrooms generally operate on a first-come, first-served basis. But when someone is about to vomit out a night’s worth of food, alcohol, fruity mixers, and dignity onto the floor, they tend to have the right of the first night. One night at Indigo, a girl had the clever idea to make herself throw up to skip the long, long bathroom line (rumor has it that Drunk Girls wait an hour to pee). Bad idea. She got kicked out and made a fool of herself in the process. General rule: don’t throw up in places.

4. Be your own bartender

Even with multiple bars, it can take forever to get a drink at Indigo. And sure, it may sort of make sense to just cut out the middle man and make your own drink. But let me be clear—THIS IS A SHITTY IDEA. Doing this will buy you a one-way, non-refundable ticket to College Ave. Also, if you do this, you have to pay for the ENTIRE bottle of whatever you were using. But I don’t know, maybe you like dropping $100+ for liquor that you can’t drink, you stupid rich motherfucker.

5. Drink in line

Yes, it’s cheaper to drink your own alcohol than to buy drinks in Indigo. And yes, if you pregame before going to Indigo, sobering up while waiting in a block-long line just really really sucks. But if you drink while in line, you won’t make it to the door. And if you do make it to the door…

6. Run past the bouncers

Look. Indigo bouncers are big guys. They’re trained from day one to identify VIPs and, if necessary, escort them out of Indigo. They can and will overpower you. You’re not as strong as you think you are, Mr. I-Go-To-Rec-Hall-Three-Times-A-Week-And-Run-On-An-Elliptical-For-20-Minutes. Get real, stupid.

7. Drink everything

There’s a lot of alcohol at Indigo. A lot. Bottles beyond bottles. But they’re not all for you—they’re for the hundreds of sweaty grind-crazy twenty-somethings that populate Indigo on any given night. Don’t drink more than you can handle. If you do, you’ll probably break one of these other rules.

8. Harass the Chumley’s crowd

This is America, where everyone is free to do as they please within the scope of the law. Some people like going to Chumley’s. If you harass people for doing this, not only will you be thrown out of Indigo, but you’re also a total asshole and you probably wear sweater vests.

9. Stumbling…sort of

It’s a common misconception that stumbling will get you kicked out of Indigo. This isn’t necessarily true. Stumbling WILL lead to an Indigo staffer asking you questions, but it’s not enough to get kicked out. Maybe you slipped on the wet floor. Maybe you tripped on a shoelace or something. Maybe you can’t handle your six-inch heels. Indigo can’t know for sure, so they will kindly ask you some questions to get a grip on the situation. Remember, they don’t want to kick anyone out, but if you’re being a scumbag, they will.

10. Crowdsurfing

Believe it or not, this happens. Do not attempt.

11. Stealing straws

Remember earlier when I said, “These are all true stories, and yes, they apparently do happen”? I stand by that statement. Some guy tried to steal a box of straws. For whatever reason, he eyed the several dozen bottles of expensive, top-shelf liquor and thought to himself, “I could really use a few hundred straws.” Bad move. He was gone before he could even say, “I’m the dumbest person in the world because I steal straws in bulk from night clubs.” This literally happened.

So there you have it, folks. I hope you take these words of wisdom to heart the next time you are shuffling at Indigo.

Disclaimer: Indigo never wants anyone to get kicked out of their club. They love their customers, and they understand that we are drunk idiots from time to time. Enjoy yourself at Indigo and keep shit classy (well, as classy as Indigo allows…).