Remember when all your friends left to study abroad and it was so melodramatic, like “Ugh, what am I gonna do without you?! I’m gonna miss you so much, don’t worry you’re gonna have the time of your life!!” Vom. The truth is life went on just fine without all of them but you can’t just say that. Because they’re going to gush all about how “fabulous” and “cultural” life abroad was (tell me about hostels again, please!?) and you have to come up with some bullshit to reciprocate when they ask, “So what did I miss out on??”

What did you miss out on? I don’t fucking know man — I refilled a couple prescriptions, bombed an exam or two, and State Patty’s was fun I guess. This is the perfect segue for them to be like, “Aw man, wish I was here!” No you don’t. No you don’t. Not once did you wish that, while you were sunbathing on the Amalfi Coast or whatever other obnoxious Facebook album you posted said. The thing is, as much as I would love for you to chew my ear off about how “AMAZE” your semester abroad was, I know what you’re going to say.

• “Wine was sooooo cheap in Italy. Like, literally, cheaper than water.” Yeah, you know what else is cheaper than water? Natty light. I was drinking that all day long and going to class hammered too. NEXT.
• “Paris is like, so gross.” Of course it was. It’s a major city. New York is pretty gnarly too, want me to talk about that? Those mangy dudes whistling at you and calling you beautiful exist here too. They’re called homeless people.
• “My friend, ugh you would love her, she goes to Penn State too!” Listen. I know there’s a million people who go here and there’s no way I can meet everyone, but chances are, if we weren’t friends before you went abroad, I probably won’t like them. Especially because when you introduce me you’re both going to exchange stories about all the “crazy” stuff you did together in Europe. You’re right, I guess I DID have to be there to understand how disgusting that absinthe shot was that you took in that club in Prague. Assholes.
• “It’s so weird not being able to just order a beer right now.” Guess what, it was weird for me too when I lost my fake but you don’t hear me crying about it. Besides you’re a lot closer to 21 than I am so shut the hell up and black out with me already.
• “Springfest was SO crazy. Like, it puts all daylongs to shame.” Oh really? A beer festival in Germany was better than a daylong? You mean there’s something superior to chugging vlad outside an abhorrently smelling frat while shouting to a Flo-rida song? POPPYCOCK! Also, don’t you dare even try to tell me that clubs in Prague were better than an Avicii concert, because Avicii concerts suck. Of course it was more fun. I don’t need Avicii around to have fun on drugs. Quite frankly, I would have more fun running around sweating and touching stuff without Avicii.
• “I just, I don’t know. I think I’m gonna wear red lipstick here all the time too.” No. You’re not. You can get away with that in Europe because they’re doing shit like nappin’ during the day, drinking wine all the time, having sex in the afternoon, and letting their economy crumble, all while smoking cigarettes. Here in AMERICA, we’re miserably trotting to our 9-5, shamefully eating McDonalds for lunch, and obsessing over the latest HBO series in uninspiring conversation with boring people. So take off the rouge, yell at someone smoking a cigarette, and tell them you don’t want cancer, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
• “Sky diving was so amazing, I was so scared but it was so beautiful. The mountains were crazy!” That one time I climbed Mount Nittany and got really high I thought I was sky diving too. CHECKMATE.
• “Do you like my new cover photo? I have so many good ones, I might change it.” If you ever say this to me I am going to call up your parents myself and tell them that your main motivation for going abroad was solely to be even more pretentious on Facebook, you millennial egomaniac.
• “I bought these shoes in Spain at some outdoor market. Everyone wears them, aren’t they cute?” I understand your thought process here. If I wear things that are trendy in Europe back at home, people will think I’m such an international fashionista and they will be so jealous they can’t get it here. I have some news for you. You’re wrong. All you’re doing is making it even more obvious how hard you’re trying. Take that stupid leather jacket off too while you’re at it.

I guess the bottom line is, if you’re studying abroad, don’t be a douche. We don’t care.