Last night, the University Park Undergraduate Association (UPUA) held their first penis meeting — I mean town hall meeting — of the year on the first floor of the HUB.

I apologize for the mix-up, but I guess it’s just stuck in my head after reading Chair of the Assembly Spencer Malloy’s memorandum suggesting that more UPUA members “attend…regular penis meetings.” Malloy responded to a text last night, explaining that he didn’t know who was responsible for the tomfoolery, but he was “just so tired from going to all these penis meetings that [he] didn’t notice.”

Moving on.

As last night was the first town hall meeting of the year, UPUA noted on their agenda that the usual student forum — which typically features comments from anywhere between one and three students — would be extended. It was expected that students would voice their opinion about potential Pennsylvania legislation that raises fines for alcohol-related crimes.

A whopping zero students made their way to the microphone. You win some, you lose some, I guess.

President Courtney Lennartz mentioned in her report that an emergency Facilities Fee Board meeting has been scheduled for Thursday to discuss the reallocation of funds due to the NCAA sanctions. She went on to discuss the Vice President Provost search committee, which she was invited to sit on along with VP Katelyn Mullen and Chief of Staff John Zang. President Erickson also invited Lennartz to sit on an advisory board regarding Freeh report implementation plans.

There were three executive board confirmations that took place at last night’s meeting. Josh Wimble, the current Vice President of Standards for the Intrafraternity Council, was confirmed unanimously as the Director of Encampment. He will organize the annual encampment event that brings student leaders together to discuss “defining Penn State culture.” Elias Warren said that “Josh is the man with the plan.”

Evan McTague was up for confirmation as the Deputy Director for Sustainability. Though McTague has an obvious passion for sustainability, he doesn’t have a lot of experience with the subject and sparked a lot of debate amongst the assembly. As Elias Warren said: “You become what you think about most of the time.” I’m not sure if that bodes well for the majority of male college students, but regardless, he was confirmed by a vote of 27-7-0.

Kate Sheeley was up for confirmation as the UPUA Historian, because who doesn’t love to study the history of student government? Anyone? Anyone?

Sheeley came over from the dark side (CCSG) and was obviously — though I’m not sure why — very interested in the history of UPUA and organizing their archives. At-Large Represetative Justin Laskowski said: “Obviously in this position you’d have to be very systematic and you’d have to have a fast rate of typing, so with that in mind if you were any part of the Big Mac, which would you be?”

t’s good to see that somebody isn’t taking UPUA super seriously, and Sheeley killed it with her response, telling Laskowski that she would be “the roll, because I’m just going to roll with it.” She was confirmed by a vote of 33-1-0.

Who was the lone dissenter and why did they dissent? We will never know. It’s one of life’s true mysteries.

Resolution 06-07 ListServ Access for Student Leaders:

It was quintessential UPUA legislation, in which the Assembly unanimously legislated that they could ask for something cool. In this case, UPUA leadership will be requesting ListServ access so they can spam our email boxes like President Erickson liked to do. We’ll see if the powers that be grant UPUA this privilege, but honestly, I think it would give them some more legitimacy if they had this access. Maybe then more than 20% of the student body would vote in the elections!

Resolution 07-07 Constitution Day of 2012:

This legislation essentially allowed UPUA to voice their support of Constitution Day and co-sponsor the event, which is basically forced on the school by state law. The Constitution Day events will take place on Monday, September 17th. If you’re interested in an old document that governs your country, be sure to keep an eye out for more information as that date gets closer. As always, the legislation was passed unanimously. I’m still shocked.

John Zang Tie of the Week (4/5): 

Zang wore a charcoal grey suit to last night’s meeting with a blue button-down shirt and a grey skinny tie. It was a very sleek, modern look, but what made the difference between what could have been a 3.5/5 and what was a 4/5 was a tie clip, one of the true lost arts of formal dress-wear.

Elias Warren Quote of the Week:

While voicing his support for Constitution Day, Warren informed the assembly: “I carry a constitution in my wallet at all times, it is not geeky, it is doing your duty as a citizen. My favorite amendment, by the way, is the tenth.”