As you walk home from your late night weekend festivities — whether you were at frats, bars, or playing Yu-Gi-Oh in the HUB — it’s pretty much inevitable that you’ll hear a snippet of a conversation between drunken passerby that, out of context, will force you to clasp a shocked hand over your mouth to suppress an onslaught of uncontrollable laughter. It’s common to then repeat that drunken conversation to the next person you see. If it was really funny, maybe to a few of the next people you see. Or, if it was downright hilarious, you’ll tweet that shit right then and there.

Given my affinity for reading the aforementioned tweets about inebriated idiots, I decided to plant my ass outside of Canyon Pizza around 1 a.m, hoping to observe their drunken douchebaggery firsthand.

They did not disappoint.

Here are a few of the most ridiculous and entertaining tidbits that I, and a few Onward State cohorts, overheard on Beaver Avenue.

Freshman in a “Wake Up Drunk!” shirt, fist pumping: “YEAH, EAST HALLS!”

Shirtless douche: “These sorority girls, dude. I swear I saw 24 tits in like 5 minutes!”

Presumably stoned dude wearing Indigo sunglasses, dancing by himself: “STARSHIPS WERE MEANT TO FLYYYYYYY!”

Brunette in a romper: “Like, really, I want to stab Taylor Swift with a rusty spoon for producing this song.”
Blonde with pigtails: “You will never, ever, ever get to do that.”

Douche with a lisp, leaning toward two frightened young females: “So you’re sure you don’t like to kiss girls?”
One of the frightened young females: “Are you sure you DO?”

Falling-down-drunk frat boy: “What? WHAT?! I’m sober enough to know I want to punch that kid in the fucking liver!”

Douche with earrings: “Yeah, I accidentally swallowed something for sure. It was gross.”
Douche’s friend, to their audience: “Don’t listen to him, his name’s Irving for Christ’s sake. He’s an idiot.”

Girl with a tribal tramp stamp: “I don’t know why everyone just assumes I’m DTF! I’m like, really smart. I go to church.”
Douche, rubbing her back comfortingly: “Aw, I know. You wanna go back to my place, babe?”
Girl with a tribal tramp stamp: “Oh my God, finally.”

Girl in stripper heels, commendably keeping her balance: “I swear if I see another sorority v-neck I’ll punch a fucking baby.”

Douche in plaid: “So I’m packing for college and I find like a hundred SillyBandz under my bed.”
Douche’s friend: “You should trade them to freshmen for sexual favors.”

Girl in black spandex: “I’M REALLY NOT THAT DRUNK, I–”
*wipes her face in surprise*
Girl in black spandex: “Oh, I just drooled.”

Girl in a pink dress: “You expect me to hook up with you after you called me fat? Go fuck yourself!”
Ridiculously attractive black boy, chasing after her: “I didn’t say you was fat! I said you had a fat ass!”

Dude in a Penn State pinney: “WE ARE!”
Drunk douche in a polo: “FUCKED UPPPPP!”

Boombox Guy: “Boombox time is 10 to 2!”
Big girl in an unflatteringly small dress: “Ermagerd, I would totes give it up for Boombox Guy.”
Other girl: “Really? I just wanna steal his boombox. Like, run away with it.”

Girl in a see-through shirt: “Are you drinking milk?”
Slurring girl in black spandex:  “Yeah, it’s my chaser!”
Girl in a see-through shirt: “…why are you drinking milk?”
Slurring girl in black spandex: “Why not? COLLEGE!”

Freshman girl in a black dress: “Take a picture of us being college!”

A spray-tanned female in a short skirt with a large ass begins to Jersey Turnpike in line at Canyon. We all learn that she has a lime green thong on. The boys behind her cover their eyes and begin screaming for her to stop. 

Girl on her iPhone: “Where are you!?”
Girl next to her: “Here!”
Girl on her iPhone: “Why aren’t you with me?!”
Girl next to her: “I AM WITH YOU.”

Fat kid in a sweater vest: “I mean, I was way out of her league anyway. Sorority girls are the only classy ones I should get with around here.”

Obnoxiously loud drunk girl, screaming angrily: “BUT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO EAT ME OUT TONIGHHHHTTT!”

Several drunk dudes, chanting at a girl in a rainbow colored tutu: “LES-BI-AN! LES-BI-AN!”

Another obnoxiously loud drunk girl, crying uncontrollably, holding a box of Insomnia Cookies: “Twelve for twelve! THEY WERE TWELVE FOR TWELVE!”

Girl in a blue skirt, shaking her head: “See? My fortune cookie told me this would happen. I should have listened.”

Slurring drunk Altoid, chanting: “AL-TOON-A! AL-TOON-A! AL-TOON-A!”

Random blonde creep: “So what are you doing?”
Me: “Recording the dumb things drunk people say.”
Random blonde creep, nodding: “Oh, cool… So, you wanna fuck?”
Me: “No.”
Random blonde creep, surprised: “No?”
Me: “Yeah, no. Not even a little. Thanks, though. Flattering.”
Random blonde creep: “Sooo… You DON’T wanna come home with me right now?”
Me: “No. *pause* Are you drunk or stoned?”
Random blonde creep: *blinks several times*
Me: “Or stupid?”
Random blonde creep: “Are those all of my options?”
Me: “So stupid, then.”

Douche in a “Swag” shirt: “Yeah, bro, one hit to the face and he fucking hit the floor!”

Pissed off chick with a Long Island accent: “Please! He’s useless. Even a French whore wouldn’t touch that cheesy dick.”

Apparent virgin in a Pirates shirt: “Well, I guess my roommate’s getting laid tonight.”

Short blonde girl: “All of these well-dressed Asians roaming around are freaking me out.”

Slut, whimpering: “OMG, everyone’s judging us.”
Other slut, aggressively: “Stop it. No they aren’t.”
Nearby douche: “Yeah, we’re judging you.”

Stumbling girl in tall wedges: “God loves you so much, you guys!”
Girl in a see-through shirt: “Oh my god, I love you too!”

Girl in a belly shirt: “I swear, I saw her snorting coke the other day!”
Hipster girl: “Oh yeah, girlfriend is balls deep. She’s got 99 problems and they alllllll bitches.”

Kid in a “California” t-shirt: “FUCK YEAH CALIFORNIA!”

Short girl: “Stop! I’m a lady!”
Doubtful douchebag: “Well, you’re a female…”

Drunk dude, handing us “Vote for Jimmy” pins he got at Jimmy Johns: “VOTE FOR JIMMY! He makes great sandwiches!”

Girl walking toward us barefoot, fuming: “Hi. Can I just tell you guys something? *holds out her four inch purple wedges* These shoes? Were made in HELL!”
Me: “Oh, they’re so cute though.”
Girl walking toward us barefoot, abruptly smiling: “I know, they’re adorable! Charlotte Russe. You should get them in beige!”

Girl in gym shorts, rubbing her scalp: “Yeah, I hit my head on the refrigerator.”

Douche in a snapback: “Dude, I will fucking open-hand smack you with this pizza.”
His friend: “And I will eat your shit!”
Douche in a snapback: “And I will eat your shit twice!”

Dude in a polo, trying to push a short girl away from him: “Dude, we are in college now. Get the fuck over it.”

Girl in a pink dress, screaming at Boombox Guy: “GO BACK TO THE NINETIES!”

Douche in a Phillies jersey, screaming at the CATAbus he just missed as he chases it to the next stop: “You’re a dick you’re a dick you’re a dick you’re a dick you’re a dick!”

Hick in a hoodie at a motorcycle that just sped away: “He’s late for a Jonas Brothers concert.”

Attractive drunk boy: “Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause you got fine written all over you!”

Girl in a short black skirt: “Yo, fuck da po-po!”
Douche in a button-down: “Dude, you’re such a whore.”
*pauses for a few seconds*
Girl in a short black skirt: “I’m really not a whore.”
Douche in a button-down: “You’re a litttttle crazy, let’s be honest.”
Girl in a short black skirt: *concedes with a sad nod*

So, drunken Penn Staters, we can hear you. And we will probably continue recording all of the stupid things that you say. You have been warned. And the rest of you — you have been entertained.

A special thanks to Mara Kern, Greg Schlosser, Alex Federman, and Eric Greene for stopping by to help me listen to as many inebriated conversations as possible.