You’ve heard what they have to say outside of Canyon. You’ve seen the crazy stuff they shout on the White Loop. Now get ready to hear what Penn State’s finest have to say between 12 a.m. and 2 a.m. in line at one of State College’s most beloved drunk eateries, McDonald’s.

The lovely Katie Blitz and I ordered ourselves some McNuggets and Diet Coke, then found a booth as close to the line as possible, prepared to listen to all of the inevitably ridiculous things that this crowd of McDrunkards would have to say.

As usual, they did not disappoint.

Kid with glasses: “There’s a thing called a Rolo McFlurry? It’s like my whole life is complete!”

Girl in a hoodie, mumbling: “I’m really sorry I’m so creepy everybody…”
Her friend: “NO. Don’t be sorry! Be proud!”

Kid with a gold chain: “Dude, her ass looks just like my girlfriend’s!”
His friend: “DON’T touch it.”

Pissed off girl with an afro: “Oh, HELL no! Not in MY bed!”

Guy in a Phillies shirt: “It seriously felt like I was kissing my dog. Let me show you–”
His friend: “Dude, get the fuck off of me!”

Slurring girl in heels: “If we already ordered then why are we paying?”

Girl in a white tank top: “He just kinda circled it, like a basketball around the rim. It wasn’t a basket! It WASN’T!”

Girl in leggings: “Hiiiii. My name’s _____, what’s your name?”
Me: “I’m Alicia.”
Girl in leggings: “OooOOooh, that’ssss a pretty name! Hi, what’s your name?”
K Blitz: “Katie.”
Girl in leggings: “Katie? Oh… that’s my ex-housemate’s name…” *glowers*
K Blitz: “Is that a bad thing?”
Girl in leggings: “Um…” *flips her hair and wanders away without answering*

Group of black girls, to a white boy: “If you date a black girl, make sure it’s really her hair.”
White boy: “But… what do you mean?”
Black girls, looking at each other like this kid’s stupid: “Make sure she don’t have a weave!”
White boy: “What if she has an afro?”
Black girls: “Yes! Hell yes! You get that afro!”

Boy, introducing himself: “Hi, I’m Chris.”
Angry girl: “Aw, HELL no. I can’t be meetin’ no more Chrises! I’m too fuckin’ sick of this shit!” *storms off*

Girl in a button down: “I don’t even know anything about bobsleds.”

Girl in a green skirt: “I kinda wish I could move my ears.”

Girl in a tribal shirt: “There’s no such thing as a red Teletubby! Don’t be stupid!”

Chinese guy, suggestively to a Jamaican girl: “So what happens if a Chinese guy and a Jamaican girl have a baby?”
Jamaican girl: “Sometimes they come out Jamaican, but sometimes they come out Chinese.”
Chinese guy: “Yeah? I used to date a Jamaican girl.”
Jamaican girl: “Oh yeah? You bang her?”
Chinese guy: *gets silent and awkward*
Jamaican girl: “Oh, I’m sorry! Did you ‘make love’ with her?”

Girl with a pink top: “I was only a virgin that one time.”

Girl in yoga pants: “Ow! My leg!” *starts laughing uncontrollably*
Her friend: “What?”
Girl in yoga pants: “I sound like that guy on Spongebob!”

Some kid, to his super ginger friend: “When you become a legend for like dying of alcohol poisoning in a frat or something, we’ll call you Big Red to remember you.”

Guy in a blue shirt: “I mean, I’d think that a taser would suffice for a McDonald’s cop.”
His friend: “…I think a scary mask would suffice for a McDonald’s cop.”

Dude with a backwards hat, to himself: “Who convinced me to come here?”

Girl, slurring: “What, you guys are leaving?”
Guy, backing away: “Yeah, we’re heading out. Sorry.”
Girl, advancing: “Well, we’re coming with you.” *pushes them toward the door*
Guy, unwilling and frightened: “I guess…”

Girl in a purple skirt, slurring: “If you’re saying that you like blue more than purple, I just don’t know if this is what I thought it was between us.”

Guy in an Orioles hat: “Can I have an Egg McMuffin?”
Girl behind the counter: “We’re not serving breakfast yet.”
Guy in an Orioles hat: “But it’s the AM’o’clock!”

Drunk guy: “Ew, you’re wearing sandals? You’re so queer.”
Other guy, lifting up his foot: “No, I’m not, dude. They’re Rainbows!”
Drunk guy: “Rainbows? See! I told you you were queer!”
Other guy: *stomps off in his totally gender appropriate footwear*

Security cop to a girl, pointing: “Is that your friend?”
Girl: “Uh, yeah.”
Security cop: “Is she okay?”
Ghetto girl: “Oh yeah! She’s fine!”
Her friend: *passes out on the table*

Girl with dangly earrings: “You’re from Australia? That is so awesome. Do you speak Aussie?”

Very white guy in glasses and a Rebels hat: “Yo! Yo yo yo!” *begins beat boxing*
All of his friends: *promptly exit upon this embarrassing development and leave their friend alone beat boxing to himself and a crowd of drunkards*