While dedicated Penn Staters (those of you not awaiting a decision on your THON committee membership after last week’s interviews, anyway) went galavanting off to various hometowns both near and far for the first canning weekend of the year, I flitted off to Arizona for a family visit. Upon boarding my outbound flight, I reached for my iPod to drown out the noise of everyone else on the plane, but stopped myself just in time to hear the old man behind me make a hilariously inappropriate remark to the stewardess.

The comments I heard on every method of transportation I was subjected to between last Wednesday and today, Sunday, make these Overheard posts look tame. I had no idea that sober folk were even remotely entertaining. So as I boarded my Megabus back to Happy Valley, the final step in my jet-lag-ridden journey home, I decided to leave the earbuds out and listen to what my fellow passengers had to say.

These travelers did not disappoint.

Guy in a Penn State snapback: “You don’t understand how bad it is. I want to kill myself right about now.”
His friend: “I mean… It’s just fantasy football, man.”

Girl with a baseball cap: “Did you see me on TV? I almost caught a home run ball! But of course I didn’t get it, just because I’m a Red Sox fan. No, they gave it to some stupid little kid in an Orioles hat. Freaking dick.”

Girl in a hoodie: “What do you think you’re going to be for Halloween?”
Her friend: “I don’t know, something slutty I guess.”
Girl in a hoodie: “You know you’re supposed to wear a costume, right?”

Girl on the phone: “I thought he was going to take me out to dinner, not on a damn squirrel-chasing stroll across campus. What a let-down.” *pause* “No, we didn’t catch any fucking squirrels.”

Girl in a white tee: “He had never even seen Mean Girls. How am I supposed to fall in love with some guy who’s never seen Mean Girls?”

Guy in a plaid shirt: “We should get a case of Natty, right? And some Vlad? And maybe Franzia or something for the girls.”
His friend: “Why? Is this party puke themed?”

Guy in a plaid shirt, gesturing to a girl across the aisle: “Ask your girlfriend for her purse, man.”
His friend: “Why do you need it?”
Guy in a plaid shirt: “I was going to give it to you so you could retrieve your testicles from it.”

Guy in an Eagles shirt: “She came to my room wearing a onesie, dude. What am I supposed to do with that?”

Girl on the phone: “You’re going tonight? Isn’t it out on Park? Oh, god. Just please don’t wear heels. I’m not paying someone to give you a piggyback ride home this time.”

Girl on the phone: “I’m just–” *sniffles with a whimper* “–still really emotional about Doctor Who…”

Guy in a v-neck: “If I hear you smack your lips together one more time I’m going to punch you in the god damn throat.”
His friend: “Oh you mean like…this?” *smacks his lips together tauntingly* 
Guy in a v-neck: *punches him in the throat repeatedly*

Girl in a floral dress: “I didn’t mean to tell him how bad he was in bed! It just slipped out!”
Her friend: “I mean, at least you won’t have to get into bed with him anymore now?”
Girl in a floral dress: “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
Her friend: “Well, you know, silver lining…”

Girl with tall black boots: “I have to submit this assignment on ANGEL like, right now! My computer says there’s a WiFi connection. What the fuck is going on? This isn’t okay!”
Guy in a v-neck: *looking at her like she’s stupid* “…You’re on the Megabus, the WiFi doesn’t actually work! Just shut your laptop and your mouth and go to sleep like the rest of us.”

Girl in a green shirt: “So can I actually use that little bathroom back there or am I going to contract some kind of venereal disease?”

Guy with facial hair: “I thought I’d try out the beard. What do you think?”
His friend: “I think I don’t want to be seen with you in public.”

Guy with an iPhone, in a panic: “What happened? Where did my cell reception go? Where are my ESPN updates?! WHAT IS THE SCORE OF THE EAGLES GAME!?!”

Girl with Sperrys on: “Those earrings? Please. You know what they say. The bigger the hoop, the bigger the hoe.”

Guy in a v-neck: “I did what any guy would do. Finished, apologized for throwing up on her dog, and ran for my life.”

Girl in Uggs: “Oh my god, so he just ended it? What did you do?”
Her friend, bored: “Got an Rolo McFlurry at the McDonald’s in the food court, sat in a massage chair for half an hour, then left the mall and got over it.”

Guy in sweatpants, holding a girl’s iPad: “What’s a… Pin-ter-rest?”

Girl in a Penn State sweatshirt: “God, I can’t believe tomorrow is the first day of October. I’m so excited for homecoming weekend!”
Her friend: “I’m so excited for Disney Channel to play Halloweentown!”

Girl on the phone: “I just can’t wait to get to my apartment and put on my fuzzy socks. It’s all I’ve wanted all day.”

Guy in a sweater: “I wish I could be  Seth MacFarlane. He can just pick and choose one of his characters and be any of them whenever he wants.”
His friend: “…So you want to be schizophrenic?”

Guy in a flannel, on the phone: “Yeah, she said she’s all upset about something that happened on Grey’s Anatomy or something like that?”
Several girls behind him: *wordless moans of grief as they hold their emotional heads in their hands and wave off Flannel Boy’s ignorance*

Girl on the phone: “I would have looked less pathetic if I had literally crawled from his apartment back to mine. That’s how awful this walk of shame was.” *pause* “No, they definitely noticed. My false eyelashes were falling off and I was all glittery.”

Girl in a button-down, with her nose in the air: “Well, some people have morals.”
Her friend: “And some people have fun.”

Girl in leggings, climbing off of the Megabus and looking around in confusion: “But… this isn’t downtown… Where is my dorm?!”