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5 Ways to Guard the Lion Shrine Like a Boss

Tonight, from 10 p.m. to midnight, Lion Ambassadors have asked fellow Penn Staters to participate in one of the schools most popular Homecoming events: Guarding the Lion Shrine. This event has been around since 1966, but this year, instead of just standing around the statue like a bunch of pansies, let’s show everyone that we are a force to be reckoned with. Below are five idols that we should commission to guard our beloved shrine.

1.) Luke Skywalker:

As a co-founder of the New Republic, as well as the New Jedi Order, this decorated war hero could serve wonders by creating a Rogue Squadron of student rebels. He’s straight out of the Jedi school of Hard Knocks  and has some serious daddy issues. Break out your lightsabers ladies and germs, we got an empire to take down.

2.) Mel Gibson: 

As a man who wears many hats, it is vital to have all of Mel Gibson’s personalities surrounding the statue.  William Wallace will bring his rag-tag group of Scotsmen, Benjamin Martin with the Colonial Militia, and Mad Max with his endless arsenal of guns, knives, and crossbows. “They will never take our Freedom!!!”

3.) Tank Man (Wang Weilin): 

Tank Man was the 19 year old student that stood in front of four Chinese military tanks at Tiananmen Square in 1989.  He gained much praise for his courage after the Associated Press got their hands on the video.  If this fella is willing to lay his life on the line in front of Bulls on Parade, I’m sure he is willing to step up to a few statue vandals.

4.)Michael Mauti: 

After his incredible performance against Illinois last week, the Senior linebacker would be a fantastic addition to our defense of the statue.

5.) ManBearPig: 

Being a brainchild of Al Gore (aka Father of the Internet), ManBearPig is 50% Man 50% Bear and 50% Pig.  If ManBearPig were to help us guard the shrine, he would most likely lurk around in the wooded area behind the statue and devour any threat to our cause.

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About the Author

Leo Dillinger

Penn State Junior, Print Journalism Major, Minors in English and Sociology, Writer of Arts, Entertainment, News, Tomfoolery and Opinion.


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