Onward State Hayride Escort Wanted
Hello to all you eligible studs out there! Some of you may remember my sorority formal escort application from two years ago. As you can see, I am still single and painfully avoiding J-Date (much to my Grandparent’s dismay). In my world this may be considered breaking news, but in real life I have decided to flesh out another application. Instead of a sorority formal, I need someone to escort me (but not really) to the ONWARD STATE HAYRIDE.
What is a hayride you say? Well, you roll around in hay and try to find the needle. Cliché, I know. Basically, you go on a five-ten minute hayride, gaze at the stars, and end up in a deserted wooded area. I know, sounds like an episode of Pretty Little Liars. It involves hot chocolate, hot apple cider, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, bonfire, s’mores, and drinking. Do not forget about the folkish band that plays Wagon Wheel on repeat. They also tell you funny stories about aliens in the woods and are missing some teeth. And, at the very least, you get to hang out with all the cool people who make Onward State happen every day.
No heels and dresses this time, thank God! Attire is usually a flannel shirt to get with the spirit, jeans, and boots of some sort. Girls usually wear their winter uniform of Northface Fleece, Leggings, and Uggs.
- Must read Onward State
- Follow Onward State on Twitter (@OnwardState)
- Like Onward State on Facebook
- Must be able to engage in Snarky and Witty banter for about two hours
- Own a flannel shirt (I take the theme seriously)
- Ages of 21+ preferred
- Good dental hygiene
- $16, but if you’re going to pay for me, $32
- Hint: Gentlemanly.
- Be from the Tri-State Area
- Taller than 5’7″
- John Stamos look-a-like
- If you can quote any Will Ferrell movie from start to finish, PLEASE APPLY.
Date: Monday, October 22nd at 5:00 p.m.
Contact: [email protected]
Applicants — please download the form below, fill it out, and email me it with a RECENT photo attached, and remember, I will be Instagramming the whole night, despite no service. If you are lucky, you will be chosen in an intense rose ceremony like the Bachelor.
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About the Author
“As soon as his football skills are really sharp, Jayson’s going to be unstoppable.”
New Big Ten Network president Francois McGillicuddy announced Millen will return to the broadcast booth as an analyst during the 2019 college football season.
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