At Penn State, the weekend of Halloween (if you want to call Wednesday through Sunday a “weekend”) is truly a spectacle like no other. This beloved holiday brings out the absolute wildest of party animals, throws them in scandalous and/or hilarious costumes, and provides them with an excuse to go crazy in a way that is utterly unacceptable any other time of the year. The things I heard coming out of people’s mouths this weekend exceeded expectations. You’ll either love this, or you’ll be horrified by it, so…trick or treat!

Girl in a white hoodie: “Pretty sure I made out with Cookie Monster last night?”

Cowboy: “What are you supposed to be?”
Mardi Gras, disappointed: “I’m Mardi Gras!”
Cowboy: “Ohhhh…” *nods in confusion*”
Mardi Gras: “I’ll show you my boobs if you give me beads.”
Cowboy: “Ohhhh!” *walks away quickly* “Who has beads? Beads? DOES ANYONE HAVE BEADS?!”

Snowboarder, pointing at two Ohio State fans: “Look, they’re dressed as assholes!”

Flower: “I didn’t like Thor that much.”
Bumblebee: “Seriously? You know those were his real muscles? He could have nailed me with that hammer.”

Toddler in a Tiara, carrying a pacifier: “Would you judge me if I kept this binky after tonight?”
Another Toddler in a Tiara: “…Yes.”

Drunk Ohio State fan: “Hey! Hey you! Are you the Grinch?”
Green dinosaur: “…I–”
Drunk Ohio State fan’s husband: “God damn it, Gloria, he’s not a fucking Grinch!”
Green dinosaur: “He’s right, I’m sorry.”

Bunny: “NO! I lost my tail! Someone stole my tail!”
Cat, holding her tail: “Sammy, I have your tail.”

Kitty-Cat: “Some girls just really can’t pull off being cute… I mean, we can, but some girls just really can’t.”

Slutty nurse: “I have to go back.”
Bill Cosby: “No! Why?”
Slutty nurse: “I’m not walking home in this tomorrow morning.”

Mustard: “Do you have chapstick in your bag?”
Ketchup: “No, just vodka and some candy corn.”

Giraffe in a tutu: “My caaaaaaat!” *hiccups between sobs*
Bruce Springsteen: *walks up to serenade her to make her feel better*
Giraffe’s comforting friend: “Go away! Noooo… No! Don’t sing to her! Back! Get back!”
Bruce Springsteen: “I was just gonna sing the–”
Giraffe, wailing: “MY CAAAAAT!”
Giraffe’s comforting friend: “It’s okay, shhh.” then meanly to Bruce, “Just get the hell out of here!”
Bruce Springsteen, grumbling: “Fine, okay… Born to run… whatever…”

Abraham Lincoln: “Hi, I’m Babe. Babe Lincoln.”

Flapper Girl: “I just went down on PacMan?”
Wonder Woman: “No, Captain America. PacMan was on the couch with Tinkerbell.”

French Maid: “A guy in a banana costume gave me a special brownie.” *sits down on the sidewalk* “I need a nap.”
Her friend, yanking her back to her feet: “No naps! We have to find the banana!”

Pocahontas: “Mmmm, I would totally get with Totally Kyle.”

Lax Bro: “Where’d your sombrero go?”
Guy with a colorful poncho and a fake mustache: “I couldn’t grind with it on my head.”

Mouse: “Oh no!” *covers her face*
Cat: “What!?”
Mouse, from behind her hands: “I hooked up with that guy right there.”
Cat, looking at the guy: “Oh shit… Well he’s hot, so four for you Glen Coco!”

Zombie: “Did you see the yellow teletubby doing a keg stand?”

His friend: “No way! The red one puked in John’s hat.”

Slutty cop: “Trick or treat!”
Penguin: “Not fucking now, Kate.”
Slutty cop: “What the hell is your problem?”
Penguin: “Jeff just called, his friend just took a shit in our elevator.”

Wilfred the Dog: “Stop. It’s not cheating if you’re wearing a costume.”

Doctor: “What did you think of that pumpkin?”
Guy in a suit, bored: “I’ve seen sluttier.”

Mummy: “It’s not my fault. They yelled at me for not wearing a costume.”
His friend: “Yeah, so you stole all of their fucking toilet paper?”

Keg: “What the hell is your problem tonight?”
Leprechaun: “I’m sorry man, I got stupid baked with Obama and Elmo at Ken’s place.”
Keg: “Wait. Wait, wait. Bro. Elmo?”
Leprechaun: “Yeah?”
Keg: “Are you sure? ‘Cause if it was Big Bird, Romney would be piiiiiiissed!”

Guy dressed as a Taco: “Hola!”
Slutty pirate: “Oooh, a taco! I’m gonna eat you!”

Mermaid, crying: “I just want to go home.”
Belle: “What’s wrong!”
Cinderella, quietly: “Her wig fell into the jungle juice.”

Binder full of women: “Why don’t white guys dance!?”

Mouse: “Who’s that?”
Cat: “It’s the pickle’s little brother.” *pauses and starts laughing* “He’s a gherkin!”

Guy in a toga: “Yo, wrong holiday, girl!”
Mrs. Claus: “NO PRESENTS FOR YOU ASSHOLE!”

Cheerleader: “So, what? You just left him there?”
Cheetah: “Yes! What would you do? I didn’t wanna make him take off his mask, but I was scared he might be ugly!”

Mouse: “Ooooh, let’s go trick or treating tonight! But for shots instead of candy.”

Most Interesting Man in the World: “Is that ballerina hot?”
His friend: “Nah, just real naked.”

Guy dressed as the Terrible Towel: “YOU’RE A TOWEL!”

Baseball player, watching Catwoman walk away: “God bless Halloween.”