A little internet birdy told me about Penn State’s surplus eBay account — an apparent dumping ground for the various departments at Penn State to sell all the crap they don’t need anymore. I thought that maybe the Lion Ambassadors were cleaning out their closet of Penn State secrets so I was like “Let’s check this out!” And then it just turned out to be a really sub-par garage sale that was so bad it wasn’t even selling headless Barbies or crock-pots. (What else do people sell at garage sales?)

Here’s what I found:

At first you get to the page and see this stuff, so you’re like, “Oh, okay, 22 bids. Wow, $731.00! Huh. Must be pretty cool. I wonder what else they’re selling?”

An ice cream machine? Can I trade in my microfridge for this? Aren’t they still using this in Redifer? Also, doesn’t a hundred bucks seem kind of cheap? What’s the story behind this?

Six books with JoePa on the cover. $5. One bid. I don’t even know what to say.

Labeled, “For parts or not working.” Can’t you find a student who can take it apart and use its parts? Don’t we have the biggest student body ever or something? What?

WHO SIGNED IT????? AUTHENTIC?? PSU, couldn’t you gift this to some unknowing child instead of scrounging for 10 extra bucks? Don’t we give you enough tuition already?

When I first saw this thumbnail, I thought that it was a Penn State HESS truck and I was like, “Hey, that’s pretty neat!” But it’s just a regular ol’ truck. And it would rather end up on the island of misfit toys than with some creepy HESS truck collecting internet troll.

What do you think? Were you expecting more from Dear Old State, or are you just confused and wondering what other crap they’re trying to get rid of? Is the HESS truck song stuck in your head? Me too.

Maggie McGlinchy has never held a garage sale but has sold plenty of crap on eBay.