The Six People You Meet in Pattee/Paterno
Today is the day you’re going to be productive. You have fallen victim to dorm room distractions for hours in the past, but not today, because you are going to the library. You climb the steps of Pattee/Paterno with a coffee in hand, ready to conquer the mass amount of work that awaits you. Nothing can stop you now, right? Wrong. Meet your enemies.
1. The Asshole at the Revolving Door
Wow, these kids are aggressive. You’ve just given yourself a personal pep talk before entering the frightening vortex of the revolving door, but it doesn’t matter when they jump into the section behind you at full force. Use caution and try to meet their pace. If you get in safely, kudos. If not, accept the fall, get up quickly, and continue walking as if nothing ever happened.
2. The Cruncher
Many people use edible motivation as the driving force behind their study session, and I am no exception. There is a fine line, however, between the Snacker and the Cruncher. Problems tend to arise when one is incapable of controlling the volume of their crunch. If you notice some dirty looks as you indulge, you may be guilty, so slip the snack back into your backpack. If this is simply not an option for you or your hunger, pull a Lindsay Lohan and eat it in the bathroom or something.
3. The Chatty Cathy
Warning: Chatty Cathy can be found alone or in a group of Chatty Cathies. If riding solo, her time is devoted to both her laptop (for Facebook chatting, not studying), and her phone. If Cathy is blatantly rude, she will talk on the phone aloud, but if she is only slightly rude, her text vibration will provide you with a steady distraction every thirty seconds or so. When she is in a group, Cathy and friends find themselves superior to the rules of any “quiet” study area. You will soon hear about how drunk she was last weekend, how drunk she is getting this weekend, and how much she loves being drunk.
4. The One Who Catches Your Eye
They catch your eye in a bad way. Your brain takes a break (because, unless you’re Chatty Cathy, you’re obviously going hard), your eyes drift from your laptop screen, and then BAM, their eyes are right there too. It’s creepy, uncomfortable, and happening to me as I write this. We just made awkward eye contact for the seventh time in forty minutes. There’s the eighth.
5. The Kid Watching Netflix
I am SO envious of this kid. As you slave over a ten-page paper that’s due at midnight, he’s cracking up at a rerun of How I Met Your Mother. The Netflix Kid causes little trouble and can function as a great source of positive energy. Watch out though, you might find yourself unknowingly ensnared in his programming for hours, forgetting that you have your own computer right in front of you. And when you laugh out loud because something hilarious just happened in the show, you will be caught.
6. The DJ
This person loves their music, and they love it loud. I’m not sure if the excessive volume is a personal preference or their attempt at spreading the beauty of their favorite playlist, but they’re in control of your study soundtrack either way. Although obnoxious, it can be quite advantageous to sit next to the DJ. Since they cannot hear you, you’re granted the freedom to study out loud, verbally relay your irritation, be “The Cruncher/“The Chatty Cathy,” or all of the above.
If you encounter one of these people in the library, don’t be afraid to stage a counterattack by taking on the role of a different one. Be careful, though; no one likes it when the pot calls the kettle black.