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Chris Hardwick Gives Audience Comedy Hard-On

Warning: This post is for the light-hearted and contains foul language and inappropriate humor. Feel free to turn away now.  

On Monday night, Alumni Hall was filled with the sound of never-ending laughter. Comedian Chris Hardwick, founder of The Nerdist website, and host of The Nerdist podcast and television show on BBC America, made a stop to the campus as part of SPA’s Comedy Month.

When he first got on the stage, he started dancing. He said he was going to change everybody’s lives, by teaching everyone all how to become better dancers. As he said that, he shimmied on the stage, telling everybody to “imagine being surrounded by 10,000 dicks.” After that, Hardwick decided he wanted to get to know some of the audience a little better. He went up to nearly every single person in the front row, asking them their name and major. He became pleasantly surprised when he found out there were many IST and psychology majors sitting in the first row, while making jokes about student loans. “They would’ve found Bin Laden ten years ago if he had a student loan!”

He took a break to give a mild sex education lesson, when he met a student, majoring in HDFS. “Uhh…is that getting girls pregnant?,” later adding, “And remember, always use condoms!”

When he approached a journalism major, he told the young man, “You could have a nickname like Scoop, or Shoes, or Sneezy!” A few minutes later, he proclaimed, “Your new nickname is Scoopadoop now!”

During his stand-up set, an audience member handed him a Phroth Magazine. Hardwick had read Phroth earlier in the day, and thought that it is a really great magazine.

When he finished interacting with the audience, after some semi-failed high-five attempts, “Ow! I’m not good at this. Yay nerds!,” he continued on with his set.

He told a story about how he and his girlfriend Chloe bought kigurumis. If you’re not familiar with the kigurumi, think of it as a type of footy pajama with an animal head. They’re Japanese. And very awesome. “Picking a kigurumi is like finding your spirit animal. I picked a purple wolf. It’s like the royalist of wolves.” In the story, he mentioned that his girlfriend’s chihuahua resembled a Narnian deer, that got excited over every little thing, like pooping. “Hey! Look! I made you a present. It came from my butt!”

Later, he went on to discuss how wearing pajamas are cool, and that there’s no shame in wearing them. It’s like having one of those race car beds. “Ladies, you would fuck a guy in a car, right? Great! My car’s in my room. With a mattress. It’s always in park.”

Hardwick also dove into some personal details about his life, like the time he “made love” to a blow-up doll in his college years. For the record, it was a present. “You can totally fuck a present. The shittier it is, the better!” For comparison, he talked about how unfuckable an iPad is, compared to a pair of socks. You do the math on that one.

Also, he did an excellent Bane impersonation, even going as far to make a Bon Bane Jovi joke as well, attempting to sing the hit “Wanted Dead or Alive.”

Before his set was finished, he made a Harry Potter sex joke–as an analogy to the time he nearly lost his virginity at 15– about how it was like trying to find Platform 9 3/4.

Lastly, he ended his set with a math joke. “Pre-calculus is the thing that dribbles out before calculus. That was a math dick joke and those are bad.”

Overall, the night was spent laughing at Hardwick’s unique brand of humor, and the crowd loved his set. I’m sad that there weren’t any Doctor Who jokes thrown into his set, but I laughed myself to the verge of tears, which is always a good thing!

If you missed out on his set, you can watch part of his performance from his Comedy Central special, Mandroid, right here.

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About the Author

Meghin Moore

Meghin is a senior majoring in Broadcast Journalism and minoring in English. She transferred from the Harrisburg campus as a junior to finish out her schooling at University Park. She has a passion for all things music, fashion, art, and food. She's a Pennsylvania native (born outside of Pittsburgh, and lived in Lebanon for 11 years), but resides in Virginia when she's not in school, and has moved a total of ten times in her life, mostly thanks to the military.

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