‘Twas The Night Before Finals Week
Twas the night before finals and all through Penn State,
Each panicking undergrad was staying up late.
All the tears of frustration and moans of defeat,
Rang from University Drive to Atherton Street.
Some ate their feelings in ice cream and Snickers,
Others drowned sorrows in glasses of liquor.
Many more had passed out with their faces in tomes,
As visions of snow delays danced in their domes.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Went completely unnoticed by those deadened by woe.
Those in Pattee who seemed too productive to sweat it,
Each secretly had a tab open on Reddit.
An unshowered student hunkered down in the stacks,
Could not take the pressure and had finally cracked.
“I can’t take this!” he shouted, “Enough is enough!”
“I need a Mifflin Streak to feel free in the buff!”
“No student deserves this; the stress is too great!
Those in all majors should be feeling irate!
All the Eberly nerds feel trapped within cells,
And those in math fields count the nine circles of hell.”
“Even liberal arts hippies can’t feel seasonal joy,
As they decipher all works from Twain to Tolstoy.
Fiduciary douches deserve stockings, not stocks.
And EMS students bang their heads against rocks.”
His shouts could be heard from Holuba to Moore,
And as he turned heads, his peers took in what he wore.
He was dressed all in cotton, from his head to his heels.
And his clothes were all tarnished with stains of past meals.
His eyes, how they deadened! And his skin, how pale!
His cheeks were sunken, and his body so frail!
His dry and cracked lips sagged like a bow,
And his hair was the color of dog-tainted snow.
He was boney and thin, a right mean old Grinch,
And all those who saw him could not help but flinch.
With a twitch of his eye and a jerk of his head,
He filled his whole audience with feelings of dread.
He then sprang from his seat and sprinted outside;
Students continued their work, not missing a stride.
“It’s a shame that he’s gone,” they thought, completely unnerved,
For it’s people like that who really help boost the curve.
Happy Finals Week, Penn State!
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About the Author
Clifford will take the job left vacant by Trace McSorley, who went 31-9 as the Nittany Lions’ QB1 in three seasons at the helm of the team’s offense.
2019 seems to break a trend for Penn State football, which usually named just three captains per season (one on offense, defense, and special teams).
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