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Overheard During Syllabus Week

Syllabus week is the world’s greatest marathon, and those who undertake the task of drinking each day during it are known in some circles as national heroes. While other schools are either still on break or are starting up classes, as far fewer schools have a true syllabus week nowadays, Penn Staters are imbibing in absurd proportion to the rest of society. As with any place filled with large amounts of drunks, the brilliance of the inebriated individual you hear carrying on a conversation can be astounding. Over the course of several house, apartment, frat and 21st birthday parties, and several drunk food hotspots, we compiled some of the best of the week. Welcome to Overheard: Penn State Syllabus Week edition.

Sorority girl: “The State College Chipotle is like what all other Chipotles wanna be when they grow up.”

Tall kid: “There’s nothing more relaxing than shitting with the lights off.”

Kid in leather jacket: “Wait, what are you going to jail for?”
Disheveled kid: “I was torrenting Jason Derulo and got caught.”

Chubby kid in band tee: “I need to cleanse my body, I need some roughage in me.”
His friend: “I’ll put some roughage in you.”

Kid walking home through snow: “Is your leather jacket waterproof?”
Drunk kid stumbling: “No but it’s fashion, it’s okay.”

Two guys talking about girl in red and white and girl in blue and white:
Guy One: “I’m into the rocket’s red glare”
Guy Two: “I’m more bombs bursting in air, you know, the stars.”
Guy One: “Yeah I know but the stripes tho…”

Angry Cheerleader: “You saying ‘I’m smooth with the ladies’ to me doesn’t make you smooth you just seem like a dipshit.”

Short white dude: “You think if I got plastic surgery to make myself look exactly like you, would we age differently or look the same?”
Large black kid: “No…I…I don’t think that’s how it works.”

Guy in frat hoodie: “Her face is a chastity belt”

Guy wearing shorts outside at 3 a.m.: “Twitter favs are like hand jobs but retweets, that’s the good shit. That’s like fucking Kate Upton.”
Girl with him: “You need to get a real hobby.”

Guy we’re hopefully taking out of context: “We’ve all slept with my sister, it’s fine.”

Guy on the phone on the White Loop: “She told me she wouldn’t fuck me because I don’t know all the words to Timber. Pitbull has been cock blocking me for years.”

Girl almost passed out on a Canyon bench: “I can’t die like this. My last meal can’t be licking ranch off a plate.”

Girl with one shoe on: “When I was growing up my parents told me I could be anything I wanted and that was really important for me.”
Her friend: “So, did you always dream of being a skank?”

Girl with Panera bag: “Wanna know a secret?”
Guy next to her in elevator: “Sure.”
Girl: “There’s a 40 in this bag but everyone will think it’s Panera. It’s genius. I’m such a white girl.”

Guy in blue shirt: “My body is a temple, I’d never put drugs in it. It’s also a temple because I’ve had an ordained minister inside of it.”

Drunk jacketless dude: “Pissing outside on this frat house in the cold is when I feel closest to nature.”
His friend: “Dude, have you ever seen Into the Wild? You’re like that guy, but with your penis.”

Girl carrying Are U Hungry: “Listen, there is no way I was gonna walk home in those heels, that’s why I brought these.”
Her friend: “Yeah but you didn’t have to throw them off the balcony at that crowd of people.”

Girl on walk of shame: “Honestly, I just sleep with him because he has a good collection of t-shirts I can steal the morning after. I’m a sexual klepto.”

Drunk guy, changing the music: “Gimme that iPod. Every time Take Me Home Country Roads gets played, I get laid. It’s a fucking fact that John Denver gets girls in the mood to bang.”

About the Author

Noel Purcell

Noel Purcell is Onward State's Features Editor. He's a senior Supply Chain major, but is going to law school at some point in the future and masquerades as a writer for now. He continues to disappoint his ancestors by being a complete Irish stereotype. His email is [email protected] because there were no other Noels before him. His ex-wife got the good half of his bio in the divorce settlement.


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