THON’s Obstacle Course Concourse
Navigating the concourse during THON is no cakewalk. Obstacles are everywhere, and they come in many different forms. Learning how to get around during the chaos that is FTK is important, and mastering the challenges will guarantee safe passage from concession to portal. Luckily, we are here to warn of some of the hazards the concourse has to offer. Here are some of the obstacles you just might face while navigating the BJC.
Children: FTK means “for the kids.” This means the concourse and the BJC is basically theirs– and they know it. Packed with Dippin Dots, the magic of THON, and the energy of little tiny nuclear reactors, they are indiscriminate of those in their path. They will get where they want to go, and they will get there as fast as their little legs can take them. It is your job to dodge, dip, duck, and dodge so they can get there. And it’s all okay, because it’s all FTK!
Bro Walls: They are large, muscular, mostly expressionless, and they travel shoulder to shoulder. Presumably because their pinnies leave their shoulders cold, and so they have their left or right shoulder warming-bro. By interlocking like this, they become a walking wall of bro, and there is literally nothing you can do about it. They will not move, and they will not respond to “excuse me,” unless it looks like you lift.
Balls: Bouncy, beach, tennis, inflatable, rubber, kick: these are just some of the many variations of bouncing balls that will be in your way. Seriously, they are everywhere. You have to be ready, because they will bounce between your legs, roll under your foot, or be headed towards your head at any given time. Stay on your toes, and be prepared, no one wants to take a ball to the face on the concourse.
Walkers (Exhaustion-Zombies): You don’t have to worry about this until day two really. However, once it begins they come in many different forms. Lacking sleep, they lose coordination and any concern for navigation. Easily recognizable by large yawns, glassy bloodshot eyes and a general apathetic attitude to the joys of THON, they are unlike those who seem endlessly motivated by point of it all. Avoidance is recommended, as seeing them yawn might cause a chain reaction.
Caution Tape Holders: Used as a kind of human containment operation, and characterized by four or less people who rope off sections of the BJC by simply holding on to one long piece of caution tape. It is best to avoid this mysterious operation, you risk being clotheslined or being given a dirty look by someone in a red shirt.
Bubbles: Theres a constant stream of bubbles traveling around the concourse. If you get distracted by the magic of thousands of bubbles in the air, you run the risk of running into many of the obstacles above. They are really glorious though, so you won’t really mind too much until you run into a bro wall.
The Floor Cleaner: Basically an unstoppable juggernaut.
Bathroom Squatters (no pun intended): Though not technically on the concourse, these might be the most frustrating species. After standing for 30+ hours and consuming ungodly amounts of water, nature is going to call, but unfortunately the allure of being off your feet is too strong for many. With no other options (except actually leaving the BJC) these squatters hide from red shirts in the safe haven that is the bathroom. Good luck soldiers.
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Anyone found in violation of the ordinance can be issued a civil infraction and fined $300.
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