Daily Collegian sex columnists Dick and Jane have had enough fooling around for one year, and have decided to become born-again virgins. They’ll fit right in at the Onward State staff.

“I just finally realized that I no longer wanted to figure out how to please a woman,” said Dick, as he looked at Jane.

“It turns out, that my clitoris, the part of my body I called a ‘glorious creature‘? It’s sinful. I no longer want to be in touch with it,” said Jane as she stared down at the floor.

That’s right. Dick and Jane have seen the virginal light and no longer want to “talk about sex.”

After a pregnancy scare over spring break in Panama City Beach, they realized that they never wanted to find themselves in a situation like that again.

“I know that the Lord has a bigger plan for me, and that plan does not involve helping a man find my orgasm,” said Jane. “Dick and I have realized that we have been sinners and by spreading the word of sin with our Collegian column we have danced with the devil. We want to right our wrongs and ask for forgiveness, by writing our new column: ‘Let’s NOT Talk About Sex’.”

The weekly column will still be told by both Jane and Dick in their respective perspectives, but it will focus on ways to abstain from sex, and other activities students can engage in instead of sinful, pre-marital sex.

“While we will miss the late nights at the Collegian office,” said Dick, “We look forward to writing about abstinence from our bed. Alone, of course.”