PSU news by
Penn State's student blog

Topics

About

Collegian’s Dick and Jane Become Born-Again Virgins, Start New Abstinence Column For Onward State

Daily Collegian sex columnists Dick and Jane have had enough fooling around for one year, and have decided to become born-again virgins. They’ll fit right in at the Onward State staff.

“I just finally realized that I no longer wanted to figure out how to please a woman,” said Dick, as he looked at Jane.

“It turns out, that my clitoris, the part of my body I called a ‘glorious creature? It’s sinful. I no longer want to be in touch with it,” said Jane as she stared down at the floor.

That’s right. Dick and Jane have seen the virginal light and no longer want to “talk about sex.”

After a pregnancy scare over spring break in Panama City Beach, they realized that they never wanted to find themselves in a situation like that again.

“I know that the Lord has a bigger plan for me, and that plan does not involve helping a man find my orgasm,” said Jane. “Dick and I have realized that we have been sinners and by spreading the word of sin with our Collegian column we have danced with the devil. We want to right our wrongs and ask for forgiveness, by writing our new column: ‘Let’s NOT Talk About Sex’.”

The weekly column will still be told by both Jane and Dick in their respective perspectives, but it will focus on ways to abstain from sex, and other activities students can engage in instead of sinful, pre-marital sex.

“While we will miss the late nights at the Collegian office,” said Dick, “We look forward to writing about abstinence from our bed. Alone, of course.”

Your ad blocker is on.

Please choose an option below.

Sign up for our e-mail newsletter:
OR
Support quality journalism:
Purchase a Subscription!

About the Author

Maggie McGlinchy

Senior. Print Journalism Major, Spanish Minor. My only childhood memory involves me playing with a toy circus car.

Comments

Other posts by Maggie

Wanna Post Your Own Yik Yak? Here’s How

Yik Yak is Penn State’s latest gossip darling and it’s no surprise. Posting your own Yik Yak is a bit of a craft. Here’s a helpful guide:

More Than Ready To Leave The Bubble: Maggie McGlinchy’s Senior Column

Suzie Wong Egg Rolls, A Mysterious State College Culinary Classic

Gameday Coverage: No. 18 Penn State vs. Indiana

Here’s all the media and miscellaneous information you need to know ahead of Saturday’s game.

Where To Take Your Parents To Eat (And Drink) This Weekend

State College has plenty of restaurants that always seem too far and too expensive — except when your parents are in town.

Send this to a friend