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The 10 Types of People You’ll Go Canning With

The first canning weekend of the year is, at last, upon us! No matter what organization you’re going with, there are bound to be a few characters in the mix on your trip. Last year, we told you about the 1o people you meet while canning. Well today, get ready to meet the 10 people you’ll actually can with.

1. The Go-Getter

This person just lives for canning. They only really come alive during these three short weekends. They’ve packed pounds of THON gear, tutus, and neon leggings, and are ready to go come Friday afternoon (or from the moment their last canning trip ended). No matter how shitty the weather gets during the weekend or how slow an intersection is, this person will not give up their #FTK spirit. They also set about 10 different alarms for the first day of canning with titles like, “SUNS UP, CANS OUT!! <3333”

2. The Morning Person

I don’t know how this type of person exists. Nonetheless, there’s bound to be that one person on your trip that is firing at all cylinders at 5:30 a.m. The scariest part about the morning person is that they don’t need any coffee to achieve this state of mind. What is this sorcery?

3. The Garfield

A foil to the morning person, the Garfield lives every morning it’s Monday morning, as they should, because every morning is a desolate pit of hell (can you tell which persona I identify with?). This person might, in fact, need an IV of coffee to survive the long weekend of early mornings.

4. The N00b

Shoutout to all the freshmen going on their first canning weekend! While I’m sure you all are so super-duper excited for your first 48 hours out in the big wide world of canning, you babies are brand new to the sport. So beware: You’re probably not going to get the hang of it right away. You’re most likely going to stand awkwardly on the sidewalk and not move for hours because you don’t know how to properly collect donations. It’s okay. You’ll learn one day.

5. The Daredevil

Sometimes I wonder how this person isn’t already dead. This person completely disregards everything they learned in the canning safety e-Course. They dart through lanes, run in front of cars, and refuse to stay on the sidewalk. While their dedication to THON is impressive, I don’t think it’s worth dying for. This person has other ideas.

6. The Light Pole

This person doesn’t quite understand how canning works. Instead of enticing drivers to donate with wacky dance moves, silly costumes, and general antics, they just stand there, like a light pole. I don’t get it. Isn’t it absolute agony to stand still for eight hours in the cold?

7. The Bully

This person is aggressive, plain and simple. They wait around for other organizations to leave intersections, and then they pounce. This person is also the one that takes photos of people breaking the rules and sends them to THON. While the rules keep people safe, there is no reason to be this hostile. At the end of the day, all of the money that different organizations make goes to the same cause. And isn’t that what really matters in the end?

8. The Spaz

This person has enough energy to power the whole BJC for all 46 hours of THON. They harness all of that liveliness and turn the side of the road into a dance floor. But hey, they rake in the big bills, so whatever works.

9. The Weakling

This person probably only ended up going canning because their BFFL signed up or because their entire sorority is caravanning together. They are not FTK all the way, and they make it known. How, you may ask? Well, before noon, these people are already complaining about how much their feet hurt and how their phone is, like, totally going to die. Despite the fact that everyone is going through the same things, they seem to think that their strife is solitary. And they sure as hell make it known to the world.

10. The Mask

This person brings their entire arsenal of Halloween costumes for canning. You name it, they’ve got it. Multicolored tutu? Check. Banana suit? You got it. Stitch cosplay onesie? You bet your bottom dollar.

Did we miss any canning characters? Tell us in the comments section. 

About the Author

Anna Foley

Anna is a senior majoring in Communication Arts & Sciences and Spanish with a minor in Theatre. Yes, she went to Spain. Follow her half-funny thoughts @exfoleyator and send her chain emails at [email protected]

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