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How To Get Your Grades Up Before Finals

So, you spent the semester slacking off. You drank on Tuesdays instead of going to your weekly 6 p.m. class, slept through your 8 a.m., and played FIFA instead of studying. Now, it’s Thanksgiving break, and your parents are asking you how your grades are. They suck, but you aren’t going to tell them that. After all, you don’t have a report card. You’ll tell them how you started slow but are doing better, or just lie and say that you’re doing great if you’re bold. But the fact is, you need to get your shit together, because your GPA prediction looks as disappointing as Penn State Basketball’s season. If you follow these steps, you’ll be able to walk back in your home on Christmas break proud of your GPA.

1) Late drop superfluous classes

If you’re an underclassman, utilize your late drops on non-entrance-to-major courses. It’s not worth it to kill your GPA over a class you don’t absolutely need. It may be a superficial increase, but you should take anything you can get, you miserable student you. A lot of people, especially those who consider themselves good students, have an aversion to late drops. There are reasons not to, but if the class is a lost cause, you have late drop credits for a reason. Oh wait, that’s right, it’s too late…

2) Study more

You’re going to have to pull yourself together, man. This is not high school. Even your easy courses will require a bit of studying, so resign yourself to the fact that you’ll have to put in work. Buff up a bit, hit the books, and try and boost even a third of a letter grade. Every little bit helps.

3) Find a study group

You may have to change your study habits, because they have not been working. Going to Lion Tutors, PSU Learning, or finding some friends to study with will help. You need to lean on people sometimes, and in this case, they’ll understand. Make some friends, find a group, and work on it.

4) Find somebody who looks like you and is smarter than you to take your exam

I mean, is this against every rule? Sure, but you clearly have proven yourself to be incapable of doing well in this course’s exams, so find somebody who is. Cloning yourself and making the clone study would be ideal, but the technology probably isn’t there yet.

5) Offer to become your professor’s squire

Podrick Payne may be the most underrated character in Game of Thrones. He has sworn his duties to both Tyrion Lannister and Brienne of Tarth, and is loyal and accountable. This takes the role of assistant to a whole new level. Your life is dedicated to their protection and service, anything from grading papers to testing food for poison. Hey, you were the one who wanted to flirt with the girl in the building next door instead of studying.

6) Break in to the system and change your grades

This is where desperation really kicks in. Do you know anything about hacking? No, probably not, because otherwise you would probably be taking IST-based classes and doing well in them. Maybe hire somebody to do this for you, champ. This strategy could be a solid one, but could also land you in jail. High-risk, high-reward and all that.

7) Drop out of college

What’s worse, a non-existent GPA or a bad one? That’s the decision you’ll have to make here. You could take time off and write the great American novel, start a rock band, or at least find a major you’re better at.

We hope this advice will serve you well, and you can salvage that GPA before you have to face Grandma in December and tell her why her grandchild has the grades of an illiterate. Good luck. You’ll need it.

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About the Author

Noel Purcell

Noel Purcell is Onward State's Features Editor. He's a senior Supply Chain major, but is going to law school at some point in the future and masquerades as a writer for now. He continues to disappoint his ancestors by being a complete Irish stereotype. His email is [email protected] because there were no other Noels before him. His ex-wife got the good half of his bio in the divorce settlement.

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