The Official ‘How State Are You’ Quiz
Ever since it changed its name to the Pennsylvania State College in 1874, students of this fine institution have battled to determine who is the most “State” of them all. In the late 1800’s, students would dual with pistols on the Old Main lawn over disputes of relative State-ness. Throughout the Roaring 20’s, parties filled with Charlestons, champagne, and “Hu-go Bez-dek” chants were the epitome of being State. During the Cold War, many students erupted in protest when the idea of turning West Germany into a branch campus was floated — according to many rally cries and protest signs, the divided nation was “way more of a Pitt.” In recent years, a more technologically-advanced generation has turned to the likes of Instagram to declare itself “so fucking State it hurts” in blue-filtered photos of them shotgunning at 9 a.m. home tailgates.
While an abstract concept to many, anyone with blue and white running through their veins knows how State a person, event, activity, or object is. It’s sort of like the midi-chlorian count of a Happy Valley lifer, but instead of The Force, you have three different Lavar Arrington jerseys. What we want to provide, however, is a definitive answer to a question that has plagued the student population of Penn State for more than a century, a question that has kept many up late at night: “How State Am I?”
We will provide a list of tiered questions, from basic-level Stater to George Atherton incarnate. How many to which you answer yes will give you a rating, once and for all, of your individual level of State. Each question is worth one point, and the baseline to make each category is ten times the number of the tier. If you get 29.8 or 40.9 points, that is the same as tier five.
This is, and we mean this with all sincerity, the most important quiz you will ever take in your entire fucking life.
Tier 1: Freshman
- Do you currently, or have you ever, attended The Pennsylvania State University?
- Do you own at least one piece of clothing with Penn State’s #brand clearly displayed on it?
- Did you go to University Park immediately following high school graduation?
- Have you ever taken a picture at the Lion Shrine?
- Have you bitched on Twitter about classes not being canceled because of (insert reason here)?
- Have you locked yourself out of your dorm and had to go to the commons desk for a temporary key?
- Have you camped out at Nittanyville (or Paternoville)?
- Do you own a Penn State football jersey?
- Have you gotten ice cream from the Berkey Creamery?
- Have you eaten at every dining common?
Tier 2: Lion Scout
- Can you name at least five Penn State Presidents?
- Do Too Many Cooks spoil the broth?
- Have you fallen asleep in multiple campus buildings?
- Do you have an office you call “the office” for an organization?
- Have you been to THON?
- Do you have a favorite bar band?
- Have you Instagrammed multiple pictures of Old Main?
- Have you read the Collegi-hahahah I’m just kidding, give yourself a free point here, you deserve it.
- Are you passionate about your favorite wings place?
- Have you voted in a UPUA, GPSA, USG, etc. election?
Tier 3: Penn State Dad/Mom
- Have you attended Arts Fest at least twice?
- Would you get into a physical and/or verbal confrontation for Penn State?
- Can you name at least five commonwealth campuses?
- Do you treat your Joe Paterno cardboard cutout as a real person?
- Can you name at least half of the academic colleges at University Park?
- Have you been to every bar in State College?
- Have you had sex on Old Main lawn?
- Have you had sex in the stacks?
- Have you had sex?
- Do you know what sex is?
Tier 4: Booster
- Have you ever hiked Mount Nittany?
- Have you ever mounted Nittany?
- Have you completed 55 Days of Cafe?
- Did you go to the Phyrst on your 21st?
- WHERE IS HARVEY DENT?
- If asked, could you point out Penn State Mont Alto on a map?
- Have you ever seen Eric Barron driving his Subaru?
- Have you ever walked to Harrisburg from University Park?
- Did you marry or do you intend to marry another Stater, regardless of Stateness level?
- Have you been to the End Zone more than once?
Tier 5: Literally George Atherton
- Do you own exactly 409 Joe Paterno Bobbleheads?
Let us know how State you turned out in the comments.
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About the Author
Students once approved a Wally Triplett statue that Penn State’s bureaucracy prevented from ever coming to fruition.
We sent five of our staffers to try the best of what downtown State College’s Chinese take-out joints have to offer.
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