The full slate of speakers for State of State on February 14 has been released, and the list looks great! State of State is a great way to generate discussion within the community, and it will only grow from here on out. However, we can’t help but feel that a few important speakers were left off the list:

Willard Preacher

Topic: Why Everyone in This Room is Going to Hell

State of State defines itself as a conference to bring together “innovative speakers and university leaders” and boy, does the Willard Preacher encapsulate both of those. In my opinion, State of State could really use someone like the Willard Preacher to pace back-and-forth on stage and yell about the fiery hell that will inevitably consume us all. He’s always entertaining to watch from the steps of Willard and I’m sure if you wade through enough of his bullshit, there’s a life lesson to be found somewhere in the ramblings.

James Franklin

Topic: Using Emotions to Effectively Convey Feelings

Franklin’s most defining characteristic is arguably his penchant to be extremely emotional in high-pressure situations. Just look at his frantic movements and loud “THIS IS CULTURE” exclamations; it’s why we love him so much. Anyway, getting Franklin on stage for State of State to discuss where his extreme passion comes from would be incredibly interesting to watch. Maybe he could throw in a few Pitt zingers.

Mike the Mailman

Topic: How to be Nice to Everyone You Meet

It’s obviously not easy to be nice to everyone you meet all the time, but Mike the Mailman is somehow able to do so. Everyone’s favorite mailman has been a Penn State staple for the past 41 years, so it would be cool to have him speak about his Penn State experiences at State of State. Maybe he could share a few tips on how to deal with people, too.

A White Loop Driver

Topic: Dealing with Drunk College Kids 101

If there’s anyone in this town who’s seen some stuff, it’s a White Loop driver working on a Friday or Saturday night. It makes sense, too. We’ve all (at some point) taken the White Loop while intoxicated and likely did some things we weren’t proud of. This includes: obnoxious singing, chanting, fighting, puking, crying, etc. It happens! But it also sucks for the White Loop drivers who deal with this stuff on a weekly basis. Regardless, a White Loop driver probably has some good stories and lessons on dealing with drunk people, which would make this an entertaining State of State presentation.

Herb Hand

Topic: The Art of Running a Popular Twitter Account

Offensive line coach Herb Hand is something of a renaissance man, if you will. Not only is he an accomplished coach, but he’s apparently an excellent cook and and he absolutely spits fire on his Twitter account. Penn State students could use some of Hand’s expertise in social media given that my current timeline is an endless stream of “I don’t want to go to class” and “It’s almost the weekend!” tweets.

Random Chipotle Worker

Topic: Bringing Efficiency Standards to Penn State Main Campus

Nothing can make or break your day like the line at Chipotle. If there’s no line, it’s like you just won the lottery. If the line is out the door, your day is ruined. But in all honesty, a long line at Chipotle isn’t the end of the world! The line moves at a fairly quick pace, rendering the whole process rather efficient. You know what isn’t efficient? Anything involving paperwork at Penn State. Just today, in fact, I spent two hours trying to get a petition for a course to appear on my degree audit and let me tell ya, it sucked! Because of this, Chipotle should send a worker to speak at State of State to talk about potential efficiency improvements at Penn State.

Kevin Horne/Keith Olbermann

Topic: A Debate on the Football Culture at Penn State

Olbermann never made a formal response to our letter last week, so I say we let them duke it out on stage at State of State.

Boombox Guy

Topic: Using Music to Become Popular and Make Friends

As someone who took two semesters to find a solid group of friends, I was under the impression that making friends at college can be difficult. Apparently it’s not if you have a boombox, however! A presentation from Boombox Guy on how to make friends through music would be a huge hit at State of State.

Did we miss anyone? Let us know in the comments.

Photo: Eric Weiss/Onward State