Overheard At The Phyrst
Ah, the Phyrst. State College’s own dark, dingy den of debauchery. Who doesn’t love to scream over cover bands at old, wooden tables while drinking Trash Cans out of plastic cups? Penn State students will wait in line for 45 minutes or more in snowstorms to get into this bar, and among a variety of reasons, they do so because the crowd it draws is hilariously fun.
But of course, you don’t need me to describe the place where you’ve been drinking every weeknight since New Year’s Eve.
Without further ado, I bring you: Overheard At The Phyrst.
Tipsy redhead: “You have to see me in my fur vest!”
Skeptical blonde: “I don’t know, a fur vest?”
Tipsy redhead: “It’s faux fur, obviously. I call it my blackout vest.”
Tall guy: “What’s your major again?”
Guy in a plaid shirt: “Energy engineering.”
Tall guy: “Oh, you don’t matter.”
Drunk guy in a too-small shirt: “Fun fact that only one other person knows, and that one other person will make sense once I explain the fun fact.”
Girl in a leather jacket: “What?”
Drunk guy in a too-small shirt: “I’m apparently Eskimo brothers with the lead singer of Lowjack.”
Girl in a leather jacket: “Oh my god!”
Drunk guy in a too-small shirt: “But I was first, so it’s okay.”
Girl in a chambray: “I met old men in line on my way in and now they’re buying me my drinks all night.”
Guy with a pitcher: “It was the worst fucking trip of my life.”
Girl in a Penn State tank: “I think you should have just made the best of it!”
Guy with a pitcher: “Oh, I did make the best of it. I fucked a [The Daily] Collegian girl.”
Guy wearing Converses: “I have Converses on.”
Girl in combat boots: “Black ones or white ones?”
Guy wearing Converses: “Blacks. I love the blacks.”
Girl in combat boots: “Oh. I love the whites.”
Guy wearing Converse: “Ah, the age-old struggle: blacks or whites.”
Blonde guy: “This girl’s hips are so low on her body… It freaks me out. Look at them, they look so wrong.”
Drunk girl, laughing: “You’d still fuck her though!”
Blonde guy: “Oh, well yeah, of course.”
Not-very-drunk girl: “Why do you drink your beer like that?”
Guy drinking his beer from the spout of his pitcher: “Like what?”
Not-very-drunk girl: “Like you’re suckling at its teat.”
Guy with glasses: “Never have I ever flown anything other than business class.”
Girl in a Jack Daniels tank top: “Wait, you’ve only ever flown business class? You aren’t rich! How have you only flown business class?”
Guy with glasses: “Pornography! Okay? I did PORNOGRAPHY!”
Girl with a long bob: “The last time we hung out together we played Never Have I Ever! It was so fun!”
Guy with long brown hair, dead pan: “No. It was awful. It was regrettable and embarrassing and I wish it had never happened.”
Drunk girl, slurring: “I’m like a spider monkey! See?” (Wraps arms and legs around an uninterested male.) “Here, take a picture!”
Girl, stealing a guy’s glasses: “Hey, what do I look like in his glasses?”
Guy with her: “Nerd.”
Girl, giving the glasses back: “What! Well, what does he look like in his glasses?”
Guy with her: “Nerd.”
Girl in the bathroom, yelling to her friend: “The toilets in here are probably how so many people get STDs.”
Girl waiting in line for the bathroom: “Like, just go into the stall with your friend so this line will move! Her vagina doesn’t bite!”
Girl jumping up from the table: “What the hell! Stop spilling on me!”
Her friend, wiping at her shirt: “I’m wet! And not in the good way!”
Very drunk guy: “I told my parents I’m going to be blacked out at graduation.”
Girl in black: “Really? It’s at noon.”
Very drunk guy: “Yeah, so it’s like a noon game. I’m going to pregame it like I’d pregame a noon game.”
Girl in black, jokingly: “So what, you wanna do kegs and eggs?”
Very drunk guy, seriously: “Yeah! Fuckin’ kegs and eggs before graduation at my place!”
Guy talking passionately about beer: “I mean, if I want a blueberry beer, I REALLY want to taste those blueberries.”
I’m sure that we could hear equally hilarious statements from inebriated students at the Phyrst any night of the week, so stay tuned — chances are, we’ll be back. Whether of our own volition or for official Onward State business, you can bet your Trash Can we’ll be seeing you drunks again soon.
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