Welcome back to America’s least-insightful advice column/Q&A service: Ask Noel! Here, we suspend disbelief and believe these people genuinely have these problems and try to solve them. We also take your stupid what-ifs and general questions. Let’s get to it with a full mailbag this week. You people are gonna be the death of me.

1) Is there any place to get good doughnuts in State College? Dunkin just doesn’t do it for me – Johnny Bag-o-Doughnuts

Coming from New York, I have so many great options for doughnuts (what up, Doughnut Plant? I love you). As a recovering fat person, I am passionate about deep-fried dough covered in icing. Irving’s is hit-or-miss but has some good ones, and I believe Saint’s sometimes has them as well, but State College really is lacking an elite doughnut shop. It’s a shame, and someone should fix it.

2) I have the hots for my Bio 240 TA Brandon. I have failed 3 homeworks just so he will be concerned and talk to me at his office hours (which I attend EVERY week). My passion for him is ruining my GPA!!!!! – Esmerelda

Well, first of all, this is creepy as hell. You know you can go to his office hours without failing homework, right? Like, they’re always available to help you, dumby. Anyway, you should go to his office hours, lock the door behind you, and strip naked right there. He’ll either embrace you or call the police. All-or-nothing. Either way, you’ll have your answer, and you can either get your grades up or bang your TA. I think that’s a win-win. Brandon, if you’re reading this, check your grade book and prepare yourself. Esmerelda, if you’re reading this, we don’t actually advise that you sexually assault your TA.

3) Hi, Noel. Is it embarrassing to get a Tinder and actually use it to go on a date? I am pretty lonely and just want to be with someone. – Leslie

Hell no. It’s 2015. Tinder is the way of the present, and is now just another tool in your arsenal. I have a friend who dated someone pretty long-term from Tinder. The internet is amazing. Follow my advice from last week. Also, talk about how you banged ODB in your Tinder profile, it’s how you pull.

4) Hey Noel. So I have a thing for this girl. She’s really good friends with my really good friends, but we’ve only hung out as a group like once or twice. She’s in the same org. as me so I see her all the time. How should i approach her without seeming creepy? – Mike

Okay, so the first step is over, you already have mutual friends and acquaintances. Ask them to help, because they’re your friends and they should. I don’t know what organization it is, but look, you already have some ice breakers and a conversation topic. Approaching her without being creepy is pretty easy too. Just make sure she doesn’t notice all of those times you’re staring through her windows with binoculars and you’ll be okay. Also, don’t tell her all about her daily routine that you’ve followed and noted meticulously. And don’t mention how you know her phone password and are working on her e-mails. Avoid talking about the things you’ve found out by stalking her and you’re good to go.

5) Did you get your puppies yet? – Anon

So, story time. A few months ago, someone decided to put my number on a Craigslist ad offering free Golden Retriever puppies. I got probably 100 texts and 25+ phone calls, including heartbreaking ones from people whose pets had died and who want help with their depression and such. These people were hoping my non-existent puppies would help them. It was the most soul-crushing thing I’ve ever dealt with, telling these people there were no puppies. None of my friends have come forward with who did that prank, but it is absolutely the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen. I can’t even be mad. No, I did not get any puppies out of it.

6) Making a power hour playlist. Suggestions? – BJ Spears

There are only six songs you need, and you can loop them: Pony by Ginuwine, Wake Me Up Before You Go Go by Wham!, We Want the Funk by George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic, Your Graduation by Modern Baseball, Blue Christmas by Elvis, and the Cheers theme song. This is a combination of everything important in the world. Add no other songs.

7) Do you think that Americans should make a concerted effort at assimilating ‘wanker’ into the vernacular or would this represent a return to British rule? – Jon

Absolutely, yes. Wanker is an incredible curse word and I love it with all my heart. As a soccer-loving commie, I’ve used it once or twice off-hand and everyone laughs, but I’d love to call someone a bloody wanker and have them be genuinely offended. There are lots of Britishisms we need to steal, like “taking the piss” and saying “fuck off” for everything. Go watch a Guy Ritchie movie. It’ll make you wish you could say these things and have them sound normal. Plus, if you combined Britain and the US you’d have a pretty damn strong currency, and finally give America an elite soccer league, not one filled with wankers.

8) My girlfriend is studying abroad in Rome. Any suggestions for dealing with the distance between us? – peanut buttr

That’s why they invented airplanes, idiot. Go fly on one. Problem solved. You people really don’t think.

9) What is the best, maybe most underrated drink in the State College bar scene? – P

Top-15 State College Bar Drinks, Ranked:

1. Dark & Stormy at Chrome
2. Local Sour at Local Whiskey
3. Bear Fight – Anywhere smart but mostly the Phyrst
4. Whatever combination of windshield wiper fluid and sugar they put in Café teas
5. The one with alcohol
6. Drinking the grease off a cheesesteak from Bradley’s
7. Moscow Mule at Chrome
8. Trash Can at the Phyrst
9. Anywhere that has dollar beer
10. Bar Blue’s giant blue bowl of self-hatred
11. Otto’s Red Mo
12. Literally just tell the bartender at Zeno’s to pick something for you
13. Christian Hackenberg’s sweat
14. Getting hit by a bus
15. The ashtray at the Brewery

10) How do you feel about Ron Johnson? – Peter

RonJohn is an absolute legend and a national treasure. Legitimately a great guy as well. The whole of Smeal should cherish RonJohn while we can.

11) What do you think is the current location of the Joe Paterno statue? I think it’s in Beaver Stadium but perhaps that is exactly what they want you to think . . . – Some Guy

So, it’s gone. The statue is gone. They melted it down and used it to make several items. I’m sorry, but I’m in the media so I know it’s true. It was originally hidden inside the one place on campus nobody ever goes: a Collegian newsstand. However, it has now become a part of many things on campus, including: Pinstripe Bowl rings, President Barron’s magical bathroom’s sink handles (in this column, we assume the President has the most absurd bathroom known to man), dining commons silverware, and the Willard Preacher’s glasses. Seriously, if they melted down the statue (which Joe hated, anyway) and made rings or commemorative 409 coins out of it, they would sell like nobody’s business. Really though, the statue will be back, just you wait.

12) Compare Penn State football players to the BMS roster. Who’s who? The Penn Staters don’t need to be active players either.

Comparing Hack and Moran is too easy. He’d have to be season three starter-era Moran though. I honestly don’t know if we have or have had a Thad, which is for the best, but I’ll say Adam Breneman currently. All-time, I’d think Mauti. Maybe Matt Millen for being an idiot or, talent-wise, Shane Conlan or Lavar Arrington. Radon and recruit Saquon Barkley are a perfect match, but on the current team that’d be DaeSean Hamilton and all-time it’d be A-Rob. Craig Shilo is Silas Redd, though Shilo’s reason for leaving the show was better (he was arrested as a drug mule!). Sammy is definitely McGloin. There aren’t that many great comparisons for some guys like Harmon or Donnie, sadly, and my football knowledge isn’t great. But obviously Marty Daniels is O’Brien if he stayed in college. Some of these are completely off, but they sounded right. The Shilo one is on-point, though.

That’s all for now. Some questions from this week will make next week’s bag because we had so many good ones, so don’t worry! And hey, make sure you keep this terrible idea/dream alive by submitting even more absurdity. Not just advice, but general questions. Lay it on me.