Tuesdays at The Darkhorse Tavern are unmatched. Not only can you hear the words “vagina,” “erection,” and “anal lubrication” thrown around casually during the bar’s signature Kinky Quizzo, otherwise known as Sex Trivia, but you can also get any one of the bar’s delicious burgers for just $3.95. Wash that down with a Blue Moon draft for $2.50 and you’ve got yourself a party.

I figured that this would be the perfect time and place for my next Overheard excursion, and I was right. The Darkhorse crowd did not disappoint.

Guy in green: “My dildo game is strong tonight. I feel a win coming on.”
Girl in plaid: “And if we don’t win, you can just have the vibrator I won last time.”
Guy in green: “Oh, are we sharing vibrators now?”

Girl in a sweater: “Your boobies are out! What’s your status over there?”

Girl in black: “Musical chairs! Move every time that someone’s a bitch.”
Girl in glasses: “God, we’d never sit down.”

Girl in grey: “I was hoping that they’d have a strap-on for my face.” *Her friends look at her strangely* “What?! They’ve had them here before!”

Girl in a white shirt: “Are you going to The Phyrst after this?”
Gay guy: “It depends if I win a vibrator… If I do, my plans will definitely change.”

Girl with red lipstick: “That waitress is precious. She’s like a little old lady trapped in a young girl’s body.”

Guy in a flannel: “There are no chairs left?”
Girl in green: “You can do wall sits.”
Girl in a mesh top: “Yeah, you can work on your glutes.”

Blonde waitress: “Sometimes I completely forget where I’m going. I’m like, ‘I know I’m taking a beer to one of these people…'”

Girl in combat boots: “They’re giving away 30 minutes of free porn?”
Guy wearing jeans: “Wait… I like porn.”

Guy talking about a girl he just drew on the trivia sheet: “Her eyes are a bit wonky, but she can still suck a good dick.”

Girl with red lipstick: “I feel like riding a horse naked would hurt your vagina.”
Her friend: “I don’t know, vaginas can take a beating.”

Announcer girl: “…and some Astroglide anal lube.”
Girl in black jeans: “Oh, thank God!”

Girl with long brown hair: “An old black man just walked in carrying a box under his arm that said ‘hickory smoked bacon.’ All I need is bacon. Those are my only relationship requirements.”

Girl wearing a see-through shirt: “You know you’re an adult when you start wearing a shirt under your see-through shirt.”

Girl in pink: “You want me on that pole. You need me on that pole.”

Girl with a cateye: “I prefer the plastic cups. That way my drinking is on par with my level of classiness.”

Blonde girl, disgusted: “Do you have a cup of MAYONNAISE in front of you?!”
Guy with mayonnaise, looking ashamed: “Maybe…”

Guy in a Penn State shirt: “Let’s be honest, do you want the itty bitty tittie committee or do you want big titties all in your face? Come on.”

Girl with dark hair: “Do you wear pants in the shower, too?”
Guy wearing pants: “Yeah, I’m actually a never-nude.”

Girl with a vodka water: “I mean, I’m already going to hell, so…”
Guy with a beer: “You might as well go in a hand basket?
Girl with a vodka water: “Yeah, just like Toto.”

Girl with short hair: “Come on, base it on your penis experience.”
Clearly uncomfortable straight guy: “I don’t know, I think it varies from penis to penis.”

Guy in a green shirt: “I think I’ll mail someone my pubic hair.”

Girl in glasses: “I’ma take my pimps and hoes to Oklahoma City!”
Her friend: “Yeah, can’t wait for the Pimp Convention this year!”

Girl in a flannel: “When were the seventies? I’m having a really hard time.”
Her friend: “Did they have TV then?”
Third friend, exasperated: “STOP IT.”

Girl eating a burger: “Oh, I love a naked Anne Hathaway.”
Her friend: “Said no one ever?”

Blonde waitress: “Can I take that out of your way?” *Looks down at empty plate* “Wow, you were serious when you said you wanted another cup of cheese.”

Tall guy, very seriously: “If we want a chance at the dildos, we have to do the money shot.”

Announcer girl: “True or false: women need to be in love to have an orgasm.” *Cue a chorus of high pitched, shocked laughter*

Angry gay guy: “Those guys are gonna win and they’re cheating! And what are they even going to do with a dildo? It’s a goddamn shame.”

Girl in green: “There are two girls wearing sweatpants in this bar right now.”
Guy in a Penn State shirt: “Ew.”
Girl in a sweater, to the guy: “You wore sweatpants here last night!”
Guy in a Penn State shirt: “No I di–… No one was here!”

Girl in tan: “Ed Westwick is so much better when he’s British.”
Her friend: “He’s British?!”
Everyone at the table: “Yes!?!”

Guy shaking his head at girl’s dumb answer: “You’re lucky you’re pretty, baby.”
Girl in question: “Thank you! That’s the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me!”

Announcer girl: “In first place tonight, we have… Tom Brady’s Deflated Balls!”

Photo: The Dark Horse Tavern