Willard Preacher Implicated In Mad Mex Jesus Painting Heist

Sometimes in crimes as devious as these, the culprit is the last person you’d expect.

Jesus Christ, our Lord and Loving Savior, has a painting of himself valued at approximately $1,000 on display at local State College joint Mad Mex. Meanwhile, down the road, the infamous Willard Preacher shares his views on the world and the ubiquitous blasphemy conducted daily by the students of Penn State. On any ordinary day, you’d expect these two men (well, one man and one Son of God) to get along quite well – but last week, that wasn’t the case.

The Preacher, having decided that he needed more Christ in his life, allegedly stole the painting from the establishment for his own safekeeping. Widespread panic ensued as the news of the Lord being kidnapped caused everyone to rethink their wrongdoings, but fortunately, he was returned to his rightful place – on display at a Mexican restaurant in a college town.

“I looked into His eyes and it just felt right,” Preacher reportedly said of the heist. “Anyway, Chipotle’s better [than Mad Mex].”

The painting was returned last week with an anonymous note attached to it. However, our sources confirmed that the font is indeed one of the Preacher’s favorites.

Regardless of motives or technicalities, we can’t help but rejoice that Jesus Christ has returned – even if it’s just his painting being hung back up on a wall.

About the Author

Doug Leeson

Doug is a sophomore and Onward State's Assistant Managing Editor. Dislikes: popcorn, Rutgers, and a low #TimberCount. Likes: "Frozen," Rec Hall, and you. Contact him via email at [email protected] or on Twitter @DougLeeson.


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